Decades of Being Out as Bisexual

I knew I was bisexual in 1974. I was 14. I heard the word, and the definition, thought, yeah, that's me, though I'd never thought about whether I was straight or not prior to that. This was how I came out to myself. It was as non-traumatic as it could possibly ever be.
I never made any attempt to be closeted, but it would be somewhat inaccurate to say I was truly "out" all these years. This is because being out as bisexual requires a continuous active process - take a break from it for five minutes, and you're no longer so out. Most people assume everyone is straight, unless you are publicly obvious about a same sex relationship, in which case you are assumed gay, and people won't know otherwise until you make it a point to be sure they know, which often requires being inappropriately "in their face" about it.

I think the first time I did anything that could be considered "coming out" was when I mentioned the fact of my bisexuality casually to my best friend when I was 15. It didn't occur to me to be ashamed or feel awkward. She was vaguely fascinated, and asked a few questions. Looking back I realize it was beautifully uneventful, and yet at the time I was surprised it struck her as anything out of the ordinary.

I lived in San Francisco in my 20s and marched in gay rights demonstrations (they were not called LGBT rights demonstrations). I went to gay pride events, hung out in gay neighborhoods, supported gay businesses, saw gay movies, read the gay free-weeklys on a regular basis.

There was a Bisexual Center that had advertised meetings. I always thought about going but never did. I think I considered it a place to go if one had problems with their bisexuality and needed help. I didn't have problems with being bisexual, but did feel a lack of community, and so looking back, I regret having not gone.

I couldn't get past the anger, animosity for men, the separatism, and negative attitudes about sex, that I often encountered in the lesbian community. Yet I, a bisexual woman, felt comfortable in gay male surroundings. I loved the rejoicing of sexuality I saw among gay men, and the celebration of life (ok yes, then there was AIDS and death, and I grieved and freaked out like everyone else.)

Every year at the gay parade I loudly cheered-on the handful of people in the bisexual contingency, while meanwhile feeling that I should maybe feel some sense of being an imposture for attending the gay parade with my opposite sex lover.

A Bisexual Symposium held while I was a student at San Francisco State was where I got my first glimpse of how ugly biphobia could be in the gay world. We were split into discussion groups. A young man in my group was very depressed. He’d always thought he was gay, but suddenly had feelings and desires for his opposite sex best friend. Voicing this to his formerly very supportive gay community, he found he was shunned, ridiculed, and threatened with excommunication.

It was at the Symposium where I first found out about The STUD - a predominantly-gay-male-bar-with-a-slight-bisexual-bent (which I model the bar HUNKS after in my bisexual themed novel, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe"). I went there frequently because it just felt good to be in a place where bisexuality was acknowledged and accepted. The bartender flirted with everyone, including me and my boyfriend.

The first woman I had serious inclinations towards was a bisexual who was both closeted and completely out. She was out as a lesbian. She admitted only to me that she was bisexual. We had heated discussions about this. I felt it was important for her to honestly label herself as bisexual; she said she IDed as lesbian for “political” reasons. It was important, she felt, for everyone to rally around gay rights, that this was what was best for bisexuals too. I felt it was important to ID as bisexual for bisexual political reasons. Saying she was bisexual, she said, would only detract from, water down, the gay rights message. 

This is what bisexuals did for decades, (and many still do) fight for gay rights while denying their own identities, suppressing their own need for recognition. Now, all these years later, I see that while indeed gay rights (often inaccurately referred to as LGBT rights) has made many gains, bisexuals are left standing in the dust. Yes, gains in gay rights have important positive implications for us bisexuals too, but bisexuals have our own, different battles, and while we, often gallantly, stood side by side with our gay and lesbian counterparts fighting homophobia and it's oppressive manifestations, many gays (not all - shout out to those who do stand by us!) have never even bothered to think bisexual specific oppression is worthy of their consideration. I guess it's not entirely their fault when for so long so many bisexuals gladly, voluntarily, subsumed a secondary status. Sadly - and in hindsight, predictably - many gays now feel that acknowledging the battles of their bisexual brothers and sisters  - who were right there with them at gay rights demonstrations - would likely distract from and water-down their new found place in society.

When I was 26, my mother – whom I didn't see very often – came to visit. A woman from my neighborhood stopped by at my garage sale, and when she left, I mentioned to my mom that I’d been attracted to her, and it was ironic that I finally got to talk to her just as I was moving. This was how I came out to my mother. In this fashion, I've always been out as a bisexual. I've never hidden it, I would mentioned it when appropriate in conversation, and I always found a way to offhandedly bring it up to love-interests before we ever had our first kiss.

However, I was in an (open) relationship with a man for, seemingly, eons and people assumed I was straight, never even questioned, suspected, that I could be anything but straight, even as I was always adamantly and openly pro LGBT rights, even when I occasionally went out on dates with "known" lesbians. 

It’s easy to be invisible as a bisexual, way too easy. It’s difficult to be out. Yes, in the usual ways that it’s difficult to be out as a homosexual, but also in so many other ways. On top of the homophobia, you get the biphobia, and the accusations that you are really gay and homophobic. But on top of all of that there is the - often overwhelming - difficulty of the shear super power of bi-invisibility, which you have even though you don’t want it, even when you try to shake it off. Bi-invisibility is like an unwelcome film on your skin that you have to constantly scrub off with abrasive words and actions which so many straights and gays tend to see as a caustic confused haze of immaturity and crazy attention seeking.

So to the request - which prompted me to start writing this blog post – for older bisexuals who were out in the 1970s, to please make their voice heard - I say this: Yes, I've been out since the 1970s, sort of; I always tried to be, and now that I’m unequivocally out, please understand why it comes in the form of figuratively standing on top of a hill and shouting nonstop. This unfortunately is the only way a bisexual can be heard at all.

Local newspaper write up about my novel, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

Helpful Tips for Biphobics

Being biphobic is currently a popular sport for many, and does appear at first glance to be a simple task. However, it's not as easy as it may seem, so I've compiled this list to help you be aware of the many pitfalls you might encounter.

First, it’s important to understand that as much as the intent of your biphobia may be to hurt bisexuals, you may be inadvertently helping them.

If you are still determined to proceed with your biphobia, it'll be useful to consider the following before opening your mouth:

  

If you say that bisexuality is a choice that immoral people make, then you are saying that people can choose to be gay, straight or bisexual. If you think that, then you must think that you are capable of making these choices. And if you think you are capable of making the choice to be bisexual, then you must be aware of both same sex and opposite sex desires within you, one of which you push down because you have “chosen” to be straight (or gay). Therefore, you are likely a repressed, closeted bisexual.

If you are going to try to delegitimize someone who says they are bisexual by saying bisexuality doesn't exist, you probably should consider first that it just might be possible that you don’t know more about another person’s sexuality then they do. It might be useful to question for a moment whether you are in-fact the All-knowing King of the Universe.

If you still intend to say that there is no such thing as a bisexual, it would be a good idea to first read this, and this, and watch this.

If you are planning to state that it is your opinion that all bisexuals cannot be trusted or are greedy, be aware that these kind of statements – which prejudge people who you have never met – are bigotry and prejudice not “opinion.”

If you still insist that you have a right to your “opinion” of bisexuals, keep in mind that a person can have “opinions” that the sky is red and that cats are birds and cars can talk, but that you sound like a crazy person when you have “opinions” that deny funny little things called, “facts.”

If you are going to say anyway that you have every right to have an “opinion” that bisexuals will always cheat or are all confused, then don’t forget that the idea that “This is a free country and I have a right to free speech,” also means that bisexuals and their allies have every right to respond to your “opinion” with their own rights to free speech, and you shouldn't be surprised when they get all-in-you-face with their opinions about ignorant bigots.

If your biphobic assumptions about all bisexuals are based on the bisexuals you personally have heard of, keep in mind that the bisexuals you don’t know about are the ones behaving in ways that don’t bring attention to themselves - the ones who are in monogamous relationships, for example, and whom you are probably presuming are nice straight or gay people.

Keep in mind that with-in every group of people there are those who behave badly, and those who behave admirably. 

Keep in mind that you have known plenty of mono-sexual people who you do not have a high opinion of, and yet you somehow managed to not blame their behavior on the fact that they are not bisexual.

Keep in mind that everyone is an individual and deserves to be judged on their own merit.

Keep in mind that when a group of people with a certain orientation are told repeatedly that they don’t exist, are mixed up, are sinners, are greedy, are incapable of commitment, etc. that they are perhaps more likely to struggle with coming to terms with their sexuality, and are therefore perhaps more likely to, at times, “act-out” in some way or another.

Keep in mind that when a young person sees within themselves - as they reach puberty, or early adulthood and first sexual experiences - attractions that they have always been told are not good or healthy, that they may – in an effort to prove they cannot really be someone with this “non-existent” sexual identity - attempt to be straight or gay, and thus show some signs of confusion.

Keep in mind that if you don’t like people behaving confused or acting-out that perhaps you should stop being part of the problem with your biphobic comments, and start being part of the solution by treating bisexuals in a dignified manner.

If you tell a person that they cannot know they are bisexual until they have had sex with both males and females, keep in mind that this is like saying all virgins are asexual, or that gay and straight people cannot know they are not bisexual if they have not had sex with both genders. 

Also keep in mind that with this kind of comment you are encouraging promiscuity in bisexuals, which is also likely something you accuse bisexuals of.

Before you say bisexuals are really just gay and are just trying to “make it easier” on themselves by saying they’re bisexual, consider the fact that if they were “just gay” they would not have to be listening to your biphobic rant, so how’s that “easier.” 

How is it easier to be rejected and dismissed by both the straight and gay communities?

If you think that the fact that you are gay or “Don’t have anything against homosexuals” means your ignorant comments cannot possibly be biphobic; guess again.

Before you say that being bisexual is just a phase in the process of coming out as gay, keep in mind that just because some gay people, when coming out to themselves, have held on to the hope that they might be bisexual - with the misguided notion that this would make them half “normal,” – this doesn't mean that there aren't people who really are bisexual. 

Keep in mind that having a negative attitude about bisexuals because you once identified as bisexual, when really you were gay, is punishing others - who in fact are only being who they are - for your own inability once to accept who you are.

Also, before saying that bisexuality is just a phase, keep in mind that many older bisexuals have identified as bi for their entire adulthood - amounting to several decades.

Before you say that bisexuals are greedy, or will always cheat, because they always want both a male and female lover, consider that many bisexuals want and/or have committed monogamous relationships, and may hetero and homosexuals cheat or "play the field."

If you say that bisexuals are trans/queergender/intersexed-phobic because they are caught up in the binary of “men” and “women” because “bi” means two, be aware that you are being biphobic by presuming to define other's sexuality. The fact is many bisexuals do not consider their attraction to be only binary-oriented.

Ask yourself if all people who identify as “gay” are necessarily happy (because isn't that what gay means?); and ask yourself if every Lesbian is a native of the isle of Lesbos (because this is what the word "Lesbian" literally means). 

Also, be aware that you are being trans-phobic by implying that trans people do not fit into the binary of men and women. 

Keep in mind that you are also implying that hetero and homo-sexuals are also trans/queer-gender/intersexed-phobic because their identity too implies that they are not attracted to every possible type of gender orientation that exists.

Before you say that bisexuals are essentially homosexuals since bisexuals and homosexuals are both attracted to people of their own gender, then be aware that you are saying that someone who likes two different things is the same as someone who likes only one thing. This is like saying someone who enjoys both steak and vegetables is the same as a vegetarian.

And if you are saying that bisexuality is equivalent to homosexuality, be aware that you are, in the course of your faulty logic, also implying that homosexuality is equivalent to bisexuality, which amounts to saying that homosexuals can also be attracted to the opposite sex.

Further, if you’re going to say that the fact that bisexuality involves liking the same sex means that bisexuality is equivalent to homosexuality, then realize with this logic it would also follow that bisexuality is equivalent to heterosexuality, because heterosexuality means being attracted to the opposite sex, and bisexuality also involves being attracted to the opposite sex.

And if bisexuality is the same has heterosexuality, then it can only follow that heterosexuality is the same as bisexuality, which means that you are in effect saying that heterosexuals are capable of being attracted to the same sex.

And if you think my reasoning is getting ridiculous, remind yourself that I’m just diagramming the logical conclusions of YOUR argument, and yes it certainly does sound ridiculous.

If you say that bisexuals will go to hell because the bible says homosexual acts are wrong, then you also have to say that people who eat shrimp or wear cloth of mixed fabrics will go to hell because the bible also strictly forbids - to the same degree - these (and other silly) things.

If you say that bisexuals are sinners because this is what the bible, which "teaches morality" says, then you need to say that it was good and moral for Lott (God’s chosen one) to offer his daughters to the mobs who wanted to rape the angels, and that it was good and moral for Lott to later have sex with his daughters.

If you say that the New Testament says that those who engage in homosexual acts will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, keep in mind that the bible has been interpreted from another language from another, long ago, culture, and interpreting it in modern times to a language very foreign from the original is very possibly far from accurate.

If you still insist on using the excuse that you are following the teachings of the bible by preaching that bisexuality is a sin, remind yourself also of these biblical teachings: Do not judge. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your brother. And don’t forget what the bible says about the proud, the arrogant, and the ruthless.

Remember, Romans 13:8-10 “for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law… Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

If you threaten to kick your child out of your home because you think his or her bisexuality goes against the bible, remember Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  

If you think making biphobic comments will somehow “save” or “change for the better” someone you love, think again.

If you’re going to give bisexuals a bad time based on any “reason," keep in mind that your words call kill.

Before you open your mouth with hateful, hurtful, biphobic comments keep in mind that among the bisexuals who may be hearing your cruel words may be, your sister, cousin, neighbor, friend, nephew, co-worker or child. Keep in mind the damaging ways your biphobic comments and attitudes may be effecting them, and their relationship with you.

New Year’s Resolutions for Bisexuals

The following are suggested possible New Year’s Resolutions for bisexuals in various circumstances, and various life stages.

I will come to terms with my sexuality this year.

I will not sit silently when someone makes a biphobic remark.

Despite the fact that I’m sick and tired of it already, I will force myself to continue to repeat endlessly - to those that try to erase me - that no, I’m not straight just because I “look straight,” and/or have an opposite sex significant other.

I will tell at least one person I’m bisexual.

I will no longer not expect my gay friends to support bi-visibility while I valiantly fight for gay rights.

I will stop identifying myself as gay.

If there is a bisexual group in my community I will join.

I will come out to at least one member of my family.

I will join a bisexual group on Facebook for example: BiNet, Global Bisexual Network.

If it’s impossible for me to come out at this time I will make a fictional account on social media and join and participate in a bisexual group that way.

I will come out to my spouse.

I will come out to my children.

I will participate in a Bi-pride/visibility event.

I will become a bi activist.

I will wear a “Bi the way I’m not gay” button/shirt to the next LGBT pride event I go to.

I will educate myself more on the topic of bisexuality.

I will reach out for professional help from someone who is bi-friendly if I’m unable to cope with my bisexual related problems.

I will rejoice in my bisexuality.

I will read bisexual books such as (shameless plug alert) this one.

I will make efforts to educate the biphobes in my life.

I will be proud of my bisexuality.

I will reach out to other bisexuals who may need my support.

If my life circumstances makes it impossible to come out, I will make steps to change my life circumstances – whether this means becoming financially independent of my parents, joining another church, finding non-biphobic friends, transferring to a college with a strong LGBT community, moving to a less homophobic town, changing jobs, training to go into a different career, considering leaving a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to.

I will remember to enjoy my bisexuality. 

I will try to keep in mind that the people in my life who do not understand my bisexuality are coming from their own limited knowledge and the social prejudices they grew up with; I will try to be patient and understanding as I explain that I expect them to do the same for me. 

I will tame my bisexual rants into more coherence to make my message more accessible to others.

I will make my bisexual rants louder and more forceful so that others can no longer ignore them.

Waving my bi flag high, I will ride my unicorn over to the house of that pretty girl/guy/genderqueer and sweep him/her/them off his/her/their cute little feet, and ride off into a pink, purple and blue sunset.

A Holiday Hug

For anyone who may be needing this right now, here's a big supportive Holiday Hug.
If you find yourself this Holiday Season with family who do not accept you as you are, or who you don't even feel you can be honest with about who you are, or find yourself without family this Season for these reasons, this is just a reminder that you are not alone. There are others who do understand you, do accept you. I hope there comes a day when your family can be included too. Until then, seek joy with those who know how to love without prejudice.

What's so Great About Biphobia

I know, I know, biphobia is supposed to be this big, bad, ugly thing. But actually, biphobia is really great. Biphobia is a beautiful automatic filtering device that lets you know who you should not include in your life and why.

What's a great sign that someone has no imagination?
If they can't believe that other people can be something they are not.

What's a great sign that someone is ignorant?
If they say stupid things thinking they are being clever.

What's a great sign that someone is brainwashed?
If they dogmatically repeat what their religious group has told them without giving it further thought.

What's a great sign that someone is brain dead?
If they can't change their thinking no matter what anyone says.

What's a great sign that someone is bigoted?
If they think it's okay to judge others based on an inherent trait.

What's a great sign that someone is cruel?
If they get pleasure in putting down others.

What's a great sign that someone is arrogant?
If they think they know more about a person's sexuality than the person them-self.

What's a great sign that a someone has self-esteem problems?
If they think it's funny to hurt others with unkind words.

What's a great sign that someone doesn't really care about you?
If they want you to be who they want you to be instead of who you really are.

What's a great sign of pigheadedness?
If someone insists that they know how everything is, even things they have no experience with.

Another thing that makes biphobia really awesome is that the lack of it can tell you who to keep in your life and why.

What's a great sign that someone really loves you?
If they still love you even when they know you are something they don't understand.

What's a great sign that someone is open-minded?
If they are willing to listen to ideas that differ from what they've heard growing up.

What's a great sign that someone is intelligent?
If they let reason change preconceived ideas.

What's a great sign of an independent thinker?
If they don't automatically adopt the ideas of any group they belong to, without questioning.

What's a great sign of a kind person?
If they are there to comfort you when others are cruel.

What's a great sign of a selfless person?
If they don't put their needs above yours.

What's a great sign of an understanding person?
If they listen and hear you out.

What's a great sign of an educated person?
If they have learned things beyond that which their personal experience has shown them.

What's a great sign that someone is humble?
If they're willing to admit there are things they don't know.

What's a great sign of a thoughtful person?
If they think before they repeat potentially harmful things they may have heard.

Yeah, so okay, yes, the world would be a better place if there were no biphobic creepy crawlies; but since life gave us these damned lemons let's have another frosty cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and bask in some citrusey cool sweetness. In the end, at least it's good to know who our true friends and allies are, and who to write off as bitter seeds needing to be picked out of what would otherwise be a satisfyingly delicious orientation. Raise your glass, and Cheers! Here's to being thankful that at least we get fast-tacked in finding out who to keep and who to cut from the summer picnic that should be our lives.

Why Bother Coming Out as Bisexual?

A commenter responding to my blog post Quietly Coming Out as Bisexual said, “I can't imagine why sexuality would have anything to do with anyone other than the person involved. I have no desire to wear a sign saying I'm a non-practicing heterosexual.” I've frequently heard not only straight people, but also bisexuals, wonder why a bisexual should feel any need to make it a point to come out. A bisexual man on twitter so eloquently put it to me (as @BisexualBatman) this way, "Nobody cares who we fuck." While, gays and lesbians usually have a good grasp on the reasons why they should not live a closeted life - for example this would mean never publicly acknowledging the person they love - the issue gets more complex for bisexuals.

No one thinks twice when a man and a woman walk down the street holding hands, or go to an event presenting themselves as partners. When a gay couple does these things, they are automatically announcing their sexual orientation. But someone doing these things, as part of either a same sex-relationship or an opposite-sex relationship, may actually be bisexual, and thus still closeted about their orientation, despite being open about their relationship.

A bisexual woman (let’s call her Margret) may say something like, "I'm thirty-six and I've been in a committed monogamous relationship with my girlfriend, Joan, for eight years. I've self-identified as bisexual since I was sixteen, but aside from a few make-out sessions in college, Joan was the first woman I was with. Joan knows I’m bisexual and she’s totally accepting, but everyone else thinks I’m a lesbian who took a long time to come out. Since I intend to stay monogamous with my girlfriend, I don’t see why I should come out as bisexual. My mother had such a difficult time accepting my relationship with Joan that I didn't want to complicate things at the time by insisting I was bisexual. Now that she’s okay about me and Joan, I don’t want to cause her any more grief, or disrupt our new found harmony. Also, some of our lesbian friends sometimes speak negatively about bisexuals and I don’t want to alienate them. Yet being closeted keeps nagging at me.”

Like Margret, many bisexuals - contrary to stereotypes - are monogamous. For them, once in a committed relationship, it’s easy to pass as gay or straight. Ironically, bisexuals are criticized for both having this “privilege” (as if bisexuals are responsible for creating the social dynamic that makes this possible), and for insisting on “making a big issue” of coming out as bisexual anyway. As far as having the perceived “privilege” of passing as gay or straight, the truth is this is often experienced as a curse by bisexuals. Gays and straights alike are more than happy to tell a bisexual, “You are with Joe/Jane now so you’re gay/straight now.” This, and the tendency by the press to also automatically put bisexuals in a gay or straight box, is what is known as bi-erasure. We bisexuals are repeatedly shoved into these boxes against our will and then criticized for taking advantage of this “privilege,” and then further criticized - as overreacting - when many of us still insist on being defined as bisexual.

So what are some of the reasons why many bisexuals insist on being out as bisexual instead of obediently stewing in our "privileged" closets?  (I did a quick review of some reasons on Bi-Visibility Day, but I will elaborate here.) One reason is that when bisexuals remain closeted, there is no opportunity to counteract stereotypes.  Ideas that bisexuals always cheat, are always sexually promiscuous, always must have a partner of each sex, are really gay/lesbian and will not admit it, or are just trying to get attention, run rampant and unchecked.

In the case of my hypothetical bisexual above, Margret is in the position to show her lesbian friends that despite living in a proud and open same-sex relationship she still identifies as bisexual. It would be difficult for her friends to continue to believe that all bisexuals are really closeted self-hating-homosexuals. She would also show her friends that the stereotypes that bisexuals can’t or won’t stay monogamous, or will always leave a women to be with a man to have hetero-privileges, is also not true.

As Harvey Milk said during his coming out campaign, “Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets... We are coming out! We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions! We are coming out to tell the truth about gays!” This massive push for gays to be out and proud and visible is hugely responsible for the incredible progress in gay rights since Milk’s assassination in 1978. Once the greater population saw what gay people are really like, how they really live, it was easy for the straight world to see there was nothing wrong with being gay. The fact that many bisexuals are closeted and living openly as gay (or straight) is, I believe, largely why bisexuals are still so heavily shunned or berated while gays and lesbians are becoming more and more accepted.

Like with everyone contemplating coming out, Margret has to assess the full impact of what that would mean for her and her loved-ones. Margret must consider her mother. She may choose to hide in a same-sex relationship, and appear gay, to protect her family. However, the price she may personally have to pay may not be worth it.

What is the price? For one, feeling guilty - guilty for taking advantage of the less complicated and less controversial label of lesbian, feeling guilty about not being a role model for the larger bisexual community, for participating in bi-erasure, bi-invisibility, for not personally being an example that would help fight bi-stereotyping.
However, the major impact to an individual remaining closeted is in the form of self-denial. Keeping a part of one’s identity hidden from the world can be agonizing. Imagine if redheads had to keep their hair dyed black least anyone find out, imagine if sailing enthusiasts had to pretend that their love for skiing is the only activity they've ever had a hankering for, imagine if art-lovers had to read books about famous artists in dark corners of basements. Imagine the hurt, the loss of intimacy, when one keeps a fundamental part of themselves hidden from their loved-ones. Imagine the anxiety over being accidentally “found out.” Imagine the constant battle of reminding oneself over and over again that even though many people are not okay with who they are, they really are not a bad person, not sick, not perverse. As with the main character in my novel, “Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe,”one ends up asking themselves repeatedly, if there is nothing wrong with who I am, why do I hide? The guilt of further perpetuating the idea that bisexuality is so shameful or embarrassing that one shouldn't openly admit to this part of their personality, can be a heavy burden.

My hypothetical Margret may ask herself, what if my little brother is bi, or my niece, or my girlfriend’s cousin? Wouldn't me coming out make it easier for them? If she and Joan adopt a baby, Margret may wonder: will I be a better mother if I protect my child by hiding this part of myself that is unaccepted and misunderstood by much of society? Or will I be a better mother by being proud and happy and an example of standing up and trying to make a difference?

Sadly, there are often much worse things bisexuals have to consider before coming out – potentially losing a job or a spouse, being a target for a violent hate crime, etc. Certainly these factors may weigh quite heavily.

One of the self-perpetuating problems for bisexuals is that as long as so many of us remain closeted, so many of us will feel isolated, lost, lonely and afraid to come out. Only by being out can we find each other, encourage each other, and support each other. Every person has to decide what’s best for themselves, but one thing is for sure: the more bisexuals are visible and refuse to be re-categorized, marginalized, or mistreated, the sooner society will stop thinking it’s okay to erase us, box us, hate us, and bully us, and a lot happier a lot of individuals will be. 

Why Gays Don't Support Bisexuals

Gay and Lesbian people often are not only not supportive of bisexuals but actually go so far as to bash bisexuals or deny our existence. A lot of people are perplexed by this. After all, shouldn't homosexuals be bisexuals' allies? shouldn't they feel our rights are just as important as their own? Shouldn't they relate to being oppressed, ridiculed, marginalized? Why are they not on our side?
I have a few thoughts about this, just thoughts, not saying these are facts, and I would love to hear other people's ideas as well.

First Thought:
If you have a lot of frank conversations with a lot of bisexuals, as I have, you will find that many bisexuals feel that everyone is fundamentally bisexual and that gay or straight people have, for one reason or another, ended up focused on one gender or the other. I read an article in Penthouse when I was fourteen which had this notion as its focus. At the time, I thought, "yeah, that sounds right," and this is actually how I came out to myself. Thus I went around believing everyone was fundamentally bisexual for a very long time. It was only upon some very frank conversations with some very open- minded gay and straight people that I realized that they were really actually fundamentally mono-sexual.

Why was it so hard for me, and many other bi people, to get this? I think that for many bisexuals the idea of not being attracted to one gender or the other is difficult to grasp. If there is a good looking, sexy, man who has a great personality and who you get along with etc. - how can you say, no, not attracted?  Same for a hot beautiful woman who has a hot beautiful well matched personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's all beautiful and wonderful and sure, sexy, and we get along great, but no I'm just not attracted to women? I don't get it. But, I've come to accept that it's not for me to get; if people tell me that they cannot be aroused, not be attracted, interested, in someone like that because of their gender, then I have to take their word for it. I'm not in their head, not in their body, so who am I to say? Conversely - and now were getting to the point - I think, gay/lesbian and straight people - in other words, monosexuals - do not get how we can be attracted to both genders. It just doesn't add up to them. I'm thinking that in their minds they feel that men and women are so different physically and mentally, how can us bisexuals be attracted to both? Either you like feminine body types and personalities or you like male body types and personalities and to like both is beyond their comprehension. If they can't understand it, then in their minds, its not possible. Bisexuals will often use the chocolate and strawberry ice-cream analogy - you can like one or the other, or both, right? But for monosexuals it must seem more like a mutually exclusive situation. It must sound more like if someone said "I'd love to go live in a quiet monastery, and I'd love to play guitar in a heavy metal demonic band." They're all like, what? Make up your mind already. You can do BOTH, and you certainly can't HAVE it both ways!

So the theory here is a difference in perspectives, each side not understanding and there-fore denying the other side.

Second Thought:
It's pretty well established that some gay/les people who have struggled with coming to terms with their identity do go through a phase of deciding that maybe they can find a way to fit into established society. The hope is maybe their same-sex attractions can be ignored, because maybe they are also attracted to the opposite sex. Maybe they can just have a normal hetero life-style and subvert their same-sex desires. For a kid growing up in a homophobic family/school/community/religion the effort to grasp onto any hope of not being that which they know is not accepted and considered evil or sick, must be substantial. "Bisexual" then would be like some shining light in a formerly dark tunnel of "oh my god, why can't I stop lusting after that cute same-sex person sitting next to me in math class!" So maybe I'm bi and can try to live a nice hetero life and no-one will know about my hidden desires. But eventually they find they can not pull this off, and they come out to themselves as being gay and not bi. Then as they become more prideful in their new found love for who they are, they look back disdainfully or pitifully at who they use to be. This colors their view of everyone who claims to be bi and they just think "Oh stop fooling yourself, stop hating yourself, stop hiding yourself! As a result these well-meaning homosexuals make some true bisexuals try to fool themselves into believing they are really gay, and hate themselves for not accepting their "homosexuality" and hide from them-selves and others their true bisexuality.

Third thought:
Gay people have been trying to be accepted by the larger hetero population for so long that the ideals of "being  respected for who you are," and "being able to love who you love" have been overshadowed and largely forgotten by "Acceptance and rights! Acceptance and rights! Acceptance and rights!" I'm going to guess that others besides me have heard bisexuals - especially in the earlier days of gay rights - say that they identify publicly as gay "for political reasons." Fighting for gay rights was paramount, more important than, addressing bisexual-specific issues. The idea was that once we have gay rights and acceptance, things will be much better for bisexuals too. Of course gay rights and acceptance has addressed many issues that bisexuals also have to deal with, but what perhaps no-one saw coming was the day when many homosexuals started to identify with their former oppressors more than their fellow opressees. Perhaps many gays - finally enjoying somewhat the fruits of their labors and getting to be finally considered "normal and included" by many in the majority population - do not now want to muddy up the situations by saying, "bisexuals need to be taken seriously too and need to be acknowledged and accepted."

Homosexuals have one major thing in common with heterosexual that neither have in common with bisexuals - yep, mono-sexuality. And it's all very "let us normal, mono, types stick together and snub those silly, out-of-control bi people."

Again, I'm generalizing and over-dramatizing to make a point. I know there are still lots of gay people who are bisexuals' advocates. These thoughts are about those who are not.

Fourth thought
This is really an extension of the third. Back in the 1960s and 70s, gay people - in celebrating their newly, found pre-HIV, out-and-proud euphoria - got rather wild with displays of overt sexuality. After AIDS/HIV settled all that down considerably, many gays, especially as they got older and society got more accepting, looked back and maybe felt all that bath-house, glory-holes, stuff didn't help any in the cause of fitting in. They look at how bisexuals are stereotyped and see "oversexed" and "sex-greedy" and want to distance themselves from that. There is so much in the current gay rights movement that says over and over again to the straight community "Look, we are just like you!" Aligning with the bisexual contingency does not help in that cause, because straight America still sees us as being perverse.

I'd like to end with a shout out to all the gay men and lesbians who still do stand by our side, defend us, and recognize and respect our existence.
Please everyone, share your thoughts and ideas about this issue.

10 Reasons to Come Out if You're Bisexual

In observance of "Coming Out Day" here are 10 Reasons to Come Out if You're Bisexual.
If you're close to a place in your life where you're seriously thinking of coming out, then here are some helpful reminders of why it might be a great idea. However, if you feel that coming out would be dangerous for you, then keep this list as a reminder to help you when you hopefully will someday be in safer circumstances.

1) The weight of the huge burden that is being closeted will be lifted off your shoulders.
2) You will be proud of yourself and can more fully embrace the person that is you.
3) You will likely find that some of the reactions you worried about will not manifest at all.
4) With those who accept you, you will develop a closer and more intimate relationship.
5) You will weed out those who truly do not care about you as a person and only want you to be what works for them - something you'd find out eventually in some other way anyhow.
6) It's much easier to find other bisexuals to interact with (friends/support/lovers) if people know that you're bisexual.
7) You'll be a role model for others to come out and feel good about their sexuality.
8) You'll be a role model for everyone in the lessons of being yourself and standing up for what you believe in.
9) You'll be lifted from the fear of being accidentally outed.
10) You'll help heal the problem of Bi-invisibility.

Bisexual verses Pansexual.

Unfortunately, while those of us who are attracted in one way or another to more than just people of opposite sex, or just people of the same sex, are continually faced with discrimination, belittling, invisibility, bashing and abuse, much of what is said and written by and about us - including the blog post I'm writing here - revolves around definitions and semantics.

I feel I need to add to this because, as I have just begun to write a blog about bisexuality, clearing up this matter from the start seems essential so that I can hopefully get on to more pressing matters.
Recently, Solon posted an article heavily touching on this. One of the points made in that article which struck me, was that since "bisexual" as a word has come to have negative connotations, some suggest, we give it up. This reminds me of how no matter the extent to which someone believes in women's rights, there is often a huge resistance to being labeled a "feminist." Feminism got a bad name from its enemies and unfortunately that negativity has stuck, and unfortunately, along with that negative connotation for the word, a negative connotation for the concept has largely remained as well.
Do we want to let that happen to bisexuality too?

Gay and straight monosexuals do not understand us and thus claim we do not exist. Homophobic straight people see us as being sick or evil or perverse, just as they see homosexuals. Politically correct straight and gay people see us as gay people with internalized homophobia who need to embrace our same-gender attractions and announce ourselves as gay or lesbians from the peak of the highest mountain we can find. Some people insist that "bisexual" omits the love or desire for those not strictly male or female. Some of those who have labeled themselves pansexuals also insist that bisexuals are caught up on gender and fixate on "what's between someone's legs."

My input on this matter is that I think it would be wise to own the word "bisexual," not throw it to our detractors to abuse and mutilate as they will. Let's stand strong behind the word and insist it be taken seriously.

Though I understand the idea behind pansexuality, I think it is far from preferable. For one thing, bisexuality has been around much longer and most everyone realizes it applies to the idea of being attracted to more than just one gender. Pansexuality is still very obscure. And while most people in the general population have never heard of it, pansexulity is already facing plenty of its own ridicule. Twitter is full of comments like, "pansexual? does that mean you love frying pans?" Or, "pansexual means you're attracted to everyone who breathes."

Back in the 1970s and 1980s there wasn't anyone using the word pansexual. Back then, bisexual was defined to mean that you were attracted to both men and women, but this was never meant to exclude non-binary transgender or inter-sexed people. The truth of the matter was that back then people outside the gender binary were relatively unheard of. The whole trans rights movement had just started, and words for non-binary genders were (with few exceptions) not coined yet, and those that were being used we known by only a relatively few people What I'm trying to say is, bisexual wasn't about ONLY being attracted to men and women, it was about being attracted to BOTH men and women, with no intent to exclude other possible genders.

Another truth of the matter is, bisexuality is hugely varied. Some bisexuals are attracted to very masculine men and very feminine women, some like only very androgynous people of either gender, some like only feminine people of either gender, some are into all kinds of men but only boyish women, some have been almost exclusively into women but if a big bearish guy winks at them they just melt, etc. etc. There is nothing here meant to exclude attraction to genderqueer or trans folks at all. If people want to call themselves pansexual to make it clear they are potentially attracted to ANY kind of gender that's all cool, but please don't say bisexuals want to, or do, exclude this. I'd like to see pansexual as a specific subgroup of bisexual.

Now some self-labeled pansexuals are probably pulling their hair out at this point. And this brings us to the other problem with the label "pansexual," and that is, there has been more than one focus for the term, further lending to confusion. Thus far, I have failed to fully acknowledge the other aspect. Not only does pansexual mean, for many who identify that way, the ability to be attracted to "other-sexed" individuals, but often the point is that they feel that they are "gender blind" or that their attraction is "gender irrelevant," meaning they don't care about gender at all. They care about personality and individuals as far as attraction; for them gender happens to be of no concern. Unfortunately, many of these sorts of pansexuals believe that all bisexuals are focused on gender and do care very much about the sex of a potential partner. Again, yes, SOME bisexuals are into men and into women and are into which gender potential partners happen to be, but others are not, others are just into being open about potential partners and their genders. I have never, I repeat, NEVER, anywhere heard of a self-defined bisexual who has said, bisexuals by definition are ONLY into men and women , and always concerned with gender. I have been reading a lot on Facebook, reddit, twitter, blogs and in print and talking in real life to bisexuals, and not one ever claims this. Yet I repeatedly see self-defined pansexuals saying this about bisexuals. So now bisexuals not only have to fight straight and gay bi-phobia, they also have to fight other bisexuals who are now calling themselves pansexuals and actually put down "bisexuality" as gender fixation. Though not all pansexuals have this attitude, a great many do. Enough I say! Let's all focus on fighting our mutually experienced bigotry, oppression and ridicule.

I will stick to using "bisexual" to refer to all non-mono-sexually interested/attracted individuals. So if you read anything I write on the matter you can assume that is the definition I intend.

Please do feel free to comment though!

LGBTQIPA et al.

I'd really like to see people start using NSP instead of LGBTQIPA etc. NSP - for non-straight people, it seems to me, would cover it all, and be a lot more manageable.

I'm old enough - 53 - to remember a time before anyone ever used LGB, much less the loger version(s). I'm working off memory here, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, and I realize too that different things may have been happening in different places. Anyway, what I recall is that back in the 70s, people were talking about Gay rights a lot. Then I remember lesbians wanting to be mentioned separately and not assumed to be included in "Gay" rights, very likely partially as a result of the feminist movement. Then the press etc. started referring to Lesbian and Gay rights - most likely "Lesbian" came first because if it came second it would upset feminist.

Eventually,bisexuals said, "hey, what about us?" As it got lengthy to say Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual rights the press started using LGB rights. A little later, not much, the trans world chimed in as well, and LGBT was born.

It was - I believe - some years later, that I saw a Q added. At that time Q was for queer to cover mainly, I understood, people who either didn't want to be labeled, or didn't feel they quite fit any of the labels. I'm not sure how people now define queer, but at the time queer, which had been earlier derogatory for homosexual, was taken on as an umbrella term to mean "not straight as an arrow." Now, I've seen Q in LGBTQ refereed to as specifically, "Questioning."

Back when I fist heard the word bisexual, 1974 or so, I'm pretty sure no one had yet coined the term pansexual. The whole pan verses bisexual will be another blog post for me soon. But yeah, self-defined pansexuals consider themselves not the same as bisexual and so a P had to be thrown into the lot. 

Inter-sexed people is another whole group that is ignored, bashed, and discriminated against, so the I was added too, I think much more recently.

In an earlier blog post The Superpower of Bi-invisibility, I offhandedly used "LGBQT" to lead readers to a related link. One such reader was kind enough to comment that I should also add "A" on the list to include asexuals. I believe everyone needs recognition and respect and equal rights, so I agreed. However, this made me all the more aware of something that I'd long thought about and intend to write a blog about soon - the extent to which, as the list grows longer, we (meaning all of those included on the list) have our individual group's issues, problems, joys, legalities, etc, watered down. Further, bundling ourselves like this, I believe, has been the cause of some in-fighting. Stay tuned for my future blog about that if you want to hear more.

Meanwhile, when we do all want to stand together, or be refereed to together, in regards to common issues, can we just start using NSP? I think this way we are less likely to leave anyone else out too. Or perhaps, NTHP - for non-traditionally heterosexual people?

The Superpower of Bi-invisibility.

Just like with the Harry Potter invisibility cloak , bisexual can walk around totally undetected. It's amazing really! Bisexuals can go to LGBTQ conventions and not ever even be noticed.

Even when you run around waving your arms shouting "I'm bisexual" people either see a straight or gay person. If you're in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex, people know you are straight. If you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex, people know you are gay. If you say, no, I'm bi, people laugh, or get angry, or pretend they did not hear and still see a straight or gay person. If you act the way people think gay people act and have been in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, then you are a closet homosexual. If you have only been in relationships with people of the same sex and start talking about your sexual/romantic interest with someone of the opposite sex, then you are confused, or oversexed, or trying to fit into society.

And make no mistake about it, lots of bi people who have learned that their bisexuality is greeted only by negative, hateful, hurtful, negating, responses, are walking around clinging tightly to the safety and hell of their natural invisibility super powers - maybe even in your neighborhood, or workplace, or at your family Christmas dinner, masquerading as that nice gay boy or that sweet straight girl.
As my character Jim, in my novel "Love, Sex and Understanding the Universe" puts it: "I could even tell him the truth, point blank, and he still wouldn't know. I could say, "I read the gay papers because I'm bisexual and these issues concern me," and he'd laugh, think it an off-color joke, and leave it at that. I was invincible, and I knew it. Invincible, like invisible..."
Boo!

The Big Deal About Bi-visibility

When I was writing "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe" I did not know I was going to be writing a novel about bi-visibility. I thought I was writing a fun, engaging, slightly erotic, love story about characters who live out-of-the-norm-lifestyles. It wasn't until I was done and started trying to think up pitches to publishers, and book blurbs, that I realized that what I had written was an account of a fictional character's struggles with trying to be true to himself as a bisexual in a world where no-one wants to accept him for who he is - albeit in a fun, engaging, slightly erotic, love story, kinda way. What's interesting to me now, and really rather sad, is that though most of my book was written more than 15 years ago, not much has changed in terms of how difficult being bisexual can be.

"But," someone not familiar with the issues might say, "how can that be true? Their have been so many gains in the last 20 years in gay rights."

This is exactly the kind of comment that has so many bisexuals banging their collective heads against a wall. Yes, advances in gay rights do help make bisexuals' lives better - for example if they are in an out relationship with someone of the same sex - but there are many issues unique to bisexuality, and the fact that people don't recognize this is one of the biggest issues.

Bisexuality is too often seen as akin to gay, in fact, one of the worst problems for bisexuals is that when they come out of the closet after living a heterosexual lifestyle they are immediately branded as gay by almost everyone, even after pointing out over and over again, that, no, they are bi, not gay. It's as if non bi people have an internalized translator that immediately and repeatedly interprets the word bi to mean gay. There can even been a confused/hostile backlash when an out bisexual gets involved with someone of the opposite sex; for case in point check out: The harsh hurtful reality of being bisexual.

Further, not only gay people, but also straight people, insist that newly out bisexuals are being homophobic when they call themselves bi. These well-meaning people insist that their friend/lover/spouse/family member is refusing to fully accept their homosexuality and needs to stop trying to be at least a little "normal" by claiming to still be attracted to the opposite sex. Ironically, in their efforts to be politically correct and fight for gay acceptance by trying to get the bisexual to see he/she is really gay and should act proud of it, people are actually participating in bi-bashing, bi-erasure, and bi-invisibility.

I will be writing more about bisexual issues in the future blogs.

Universal Themes.

Universal Themes.

I could be wrong.
I've held the position, ever since I started working on my novel "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe," that this story did not have a mass audience. After all, how many people out there want to hear about the trials, tribulations and triumphs of a bisexual man? How many people want to hear a story that rises the question: "Can we love more than one and the same time?"
Fringe. That's what I've felt. It's a fringe story about fringe issues facing fringe people living fringe lives. The fact that I waited nearly 25 years since I started writing this story to get around to publishing it, could make it even more fringe. Who in 2013 wants to hear about a tale from the 1980s? Well, to this last question I have an answer - oddly enough as far as the themes in the story go there isn't much that would be different now.
This is where I begin to wonder if I might be wrong about who would be interested in my novel. Not much has changed in regards to the themes because the themes are universal. My novel is about about trying to find a way to function in a world that wasn't put together with you in mind, about struggling to be true to one's self, about choices, about desire, and ultimately about unstoppable love.
These are all themes that nearly everyone can relate to, themes important to the human condition. The exact details of how these themes are portrayed in the story really aren't important to the reader; what is important to the reader is that the story is told in a way that rings true to them, and touches them, and helps them better understand themselves, others, and the lives we lead.
This is what storytelling is all about. This is why we have storytelling, why people love a great book or a great movie.
So maybe I'm wrong - maybe my novel has a mass audience? For the answer to these and other burning questions, stay tuned.

What Novelists Choose to Write About.

What Novelists Choose to Write About.
Yes, often our characters dictate our stories and it feels like we have very little control over it. But what was the impetus that developed the character in the first place? We - as authors - breath life into a new (fictional) being; what was our intent? People have myriads of reasons to create a story. Often the desire to entertain is really what it's all about. Sometimes a desire to educate in an entertaining matter is more the point - think "To Kill a Mocking Bird," or "Lord of the Flies." These books each highlight a reality of life in a way that keeps readers interested, and helps them understand the issue on a deeper level or from a new perspective.
My novel "Love, Sex and Understanding the Universe" was not written by me but by Jim, my fictional character. He told me his story and I put it on paper. But I created Jim as a vehicle to help me impart a greater understanding on the issues affecting bisexuals, in a way that would keep readers interested.
My novel, "Bonita verses Ivan Rastaman and the Monkey-go-round" is more about entertaining readers, but also deals with bisexuality, and the aftermath of alternative lifestyles of the Age of Aquarius.