Asking the Question: Am I Bisexual?

Bisexuals often have a difficult time coming out to themselves. One of the reasons for that is that there is so much misinformation about what being bisexual even means. If a bisexual listens to the all myths spread by non-bisexuals about what constitutes bisexuality, they tend to become one of the myths – confused.

Many straight and gay people say we don’t exist, but even those who do recognize that bisexuality is a legitimate sexual identity will say things such as: “A person can only claim they are bisexual if they’ve pretty much had exactly the same amount of male and female sexual partners,” or “You have to be currently involved with someone of each gender, or at least want to be simultaneously involved with someone of each gender, if you are bisexual,” or “Only people who have had serious relationships with both men and women can say they are bisexual,” or, “Only people who have had lots of sex with multiple partners of multiple genders are truly bisexual” or “A bisexual must be exactly equally attracted to men and women, otherwise they are really gay or straight.

Meanwhile, many of those who identify as pansexual say you cannot identify as bisexual if you are attracted to transgender, or intersex, or genderqueer, people.

Trying to fit the parameters that non-bisexuals have imposed on our identity, is like listening to someone from another continent saying that in order to say you are an American you have to be born on American soil, with parents who were born in America, and you have to love Coca-Cola, apple-pie, baseball, and wear a cowboy hat and own at least one gun.

It's no wonder that often coming to terms with a bisexual identity gets caught in a seemingly endless cycle of questioning. 

Those of us who have accepted a bisexual identity know that our sexual orientation is not as restrictive nor convoluted as so many have been misled to believe. Bisexuals tend to simply describe their identity as “attracted to more than one gender,” or “attracted to same and different genders.”

BiNet USA similarly explains that being bisexual means: “that you were born with the capacity to be attracted to people regardless of someone's sexual or gender identity.”

Longtime bi-activist/bi-educator Robin Ochs explains bisexuality this way: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

As the U.K. based Bisexual Index explains, it’s really not complicated:

“If you're asking yourself "Am I Bisexual?" then here's a handy checklist:

Thinking about the people you've been attracted to, so far in your life, were they all of the same gender?

If you answered "No," to any or all of the questions in our list above then we feel it's okay for you to call yourself bisexual. We don't care how attracted you are to the genders around you - you're bisexual as soon as you stop being exclusively attracted to only one sex.”

This was originally published in a slightly different form in my April BiAngle Column in The Gayly. 

10 Things You May Think Sound Supportive of Bisexuals But Aren't

10 Things You May Think Sound Supportive of Bisexuals But Aren't - my latest article in Unicorn Booty.

15 Notable African-Americans Who Are Out As Bisexual.

My article: 15 Notable African-Americans Who Are Out As Bisexual.

My first article in the newly launched, unicornbooty.com is today's lead story!
Is Your Favorite Male TV Character One of These 8 Bisexuals?
I will be writing all the bisexual articles for unicornbooty and other articles as well.

Bisexuality and Polyamory

Last month I wrote about bisexuals and monogamy and covered some of the reasons behind the stereotypes of bisexuals being confused and promiscuous. This month I'm going to discuss some of the other causes for these prejudiced views and the intersection of bisexuality and polyamory.

Heavily behind the confused and promiscuous stereotypes is another misconception about bisexuals: that we don’t exist. For those of you who are not bi, try to imagine what it felt like for me to have just typed that it’s claimed that I, and others like me, don't even exist.

When we bisexuals have been repeatedly confronted with this fallacy our whole life, it has an effect. The effect is especially pronounced when we are going through puberty.

As we are just coming into ourselves as sexual beings, trying — as those of all orientations do at that developmental stage — to understand the desires rising within us, we are told that what we feel isn't possible, isn't valid, and is in any case very wrong.  

Bisexuals, confused? Yes — though not in the way many people think — some of us do experience a lot of confusion. Some of us don’t have the strength, nor the support, to deflect or ignore the — excuse me but I know of no better way to express this — BS we have repeatedly been told. We fall victim to questioning our own experiences of ourselves.

In this era of hyper political correctness, biphobia is still tossed about with a shocking lack of consideration. Young bisexuals often take the ignorance and hatred to heart and squash or ignore their feelings for one gender or the other. However because they truly are bi, this usually isn't easy. Feelings keep rearing up.

Struggling to cope does often come across as confusion and even promiscuity. Teens and young adults, in an attempt to figure out if they are gay or straight — since they have been bombarded with messages that bisexuality is nonexistent — may seek multiple sex partners of each gender to discover which monosexuality is their orientation. Or they may take on multiple partners of various genders to “prove” to themselves and a disbelieving society that they are indeed bisexual.

Even those who welcome the bisexual identity in their earlier years still may find themselves questioning. As I wrote in last month's column, many bisexuals are monogamous and not the slightest promiscuous. For those who find a partner at a young age and settle into a long-term sexually faithful relationship, lack of experience with another gender will sometimes lead a bisexual to wonder if they truly are bi. This again is a result of repeated exposure to the fallacies that bisexuality is a made-up orientation, describes an adolescent phase, or is an excuse for unbridled hedonism.

Many bisexuals come out late in life, when they can no longer repress what they feel, when they stop invalidating whom they know they are. The need to finally embrace their authentic selves, to acknowledge to themselves and others the truth about who they are, can be just as pressing for bisexuals in monogamous relationships. Sometimes, and I emphasize sometimes, this long overdue acceptance of one’s bisexual nature comes with an urge to experience being with a gender other than that of their partner.

Often such an urge is acknowledged internally and then dismissed as not an option, as their commitment to fidelity is more insistent. Sometimes however, a bisexual may decide to discuss the option of polyamory with their significant other, especially if they believe their partner may be receptive to such a notion.

Still other bisexuals chose polyamory over monogamy right from the start, desiring to maintain the option to connect with multiple partners without reneging on a commitment of monogamy.

Just as with some gay and straight people, some bisexuals are simply interested in having the freedom to love and be sexual with multiple others. For them the choice for a more liberal relationship concept isn't any more connected to their sexual identity than it is for their fellow gays and straights who opt for polyamory.  

This article originally appeared as my January column in The Gayly.

Bisexuality and Monogamy

Many monosexuals (gays and straights) seem to believe that the concept of bisexuality explicitly implies that bisexuals always want to have both a man and woman as lovers. This belief tends to leads to the perception that when we bisexuals are in a monogamous relationship, we must have an unyielding ache for the gender that our significant other is not. This is partly where the stereotypes of bisexuals being confused, greedy, and cheaters comes from — the imagined realities that others have of how our minds hearts, and groins function.

Often the negative attributes that those we try to bond with assign to us out of prejudiced-induced fear, become self-fulfilling prophecies. We tire of our partner’s suspicions, accusations, and targeted insults, and eventually do leave in search of someone who can respect and trust us for who we actually are. Our leaving fuels, once again falsely, the stereotypes. This is especially true if the person we hook up with next happens not to be of the same gender of the person who has been left.

However, the fact is, many bisexuals desire and value monogamy, want only to find that one other in whichever gender that person happens to manifest.

Talking about monogamy and bisexuality is very akin to talking about homosexuality and monogamy, and heterosexuality and monogamy. For all sexual identities, when we chose monogamy we choose to forgo fulfilling all desires that the one we have promised fidelity to cannot give us.

Lesbian, Lori, ideally wants a woman who shares certain sexual fantasies, likes to hike, will cuddle after sex, has long legs, large breasts, and loves bowling. Lori ends up falling in love with Pam who has long legs, loves cuddling and hiking, but has small breasts, hates bowling, and though she loves to put on a sexy cowgirl outfit, has refused to ever make love in the rain.

Lori’s bowling teammate, the flirtatious Shelly, happens to have large breasts and reveals one day that she has always dreamed of having sex in the rain. Will Lori cheat on Pam with Shelly? If she’s heartless, or has psychological issues that compel her to seek drama and self-destruction, she likely will.

Or, maybe Lori will not even be tempted because she’s mentally healthy, and crazy about Pam and their awesome relationship.

Okay, now just transfer all that on Bisexual, Betty, who has committed herself to monogamy with another woman. Yeah, this woman cannot fulfill Betty’s desires for men, but weather Betty cheats has to do with her personality, mental health, and the nature of their relationship, not the fact that Betty is bi.

Further, it’s presumptuous to assume that Betty even has tugging desires for men.

The notion that bisexuals always want both a man and a woman is based on the idea that bisexuality means being attracted to, what many monosexuals seem to perceive as, opposite traits found in men and women.

Some bisexuals do revel in the differences, and are attracted to masculine men and feminine women. However, other bisexuals are also — or even mostly, or solely — attracted to those who blur, blend, or eschew gender dualities. Still other bisexuals refer to themselves as being “gender-blind.” These bisexuals desire people for attributes other than gender, with gender being of no, little, or only secondary interest. Betty, may in fact, be ecstatically happy to have found someone as wonderful as her girlfriend, and not feel the absence of a male lover at all.

Human sexuality is highly complex. Because gay and straight encompasses those on the extremes of gender attractions, and bisexuality everyone else, it is in bisexuals that we see the complexities and multitudes of possibilities.

While monogamy is desirable and attainable for many bisexuals, there are others who do prefer to have multiple lovers. Next month I will talk about bisexuality and polyamory. I will also cover some of the other reasons behind the stereotypes of bisexuals being unable to commit that were not touched on this month.

This post first appeared as my December 2014 BiAngle column in The Gayly.

BiTopia Write up on "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe"

BiTopia asked me to do a write up about "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

Yes, Biphobia is "a Thing"

TW: homophobia, biphobia, reference to suicide

“Biphobic? That’s dumb as hell, lol. I don’t have anything against gay people; I just don’t fell like guys can be bisexual.” This reaction — which I got one day on Twitter when I, as @BisexualBatman, called someone out on a biphobic remark — illustrates typical illogical ignorance about biphobia. It denies that there is biphobia, while laughing at the idea of it, and then implies that homophobia is what is really meant.

Though bisexuals are subjected to homophobia based on the same-sex aspects of our identity and/or behavior, what many monosexual people don’t understand, is that there is also much bigotry directed at bisexuals specifically because we are bisexual.

When a bisexual girl walks down the street holding hands with a same sex partner and strangers in a passing car yell, “Lesbos!” she is being subjected to homophobia. When this same girl’s mother says, “I’m okay that you are dating another girl, but I won’t tolerate you saying you’re bisexual; that’s just slutty,” the girl is being subjected to biphobia.

When a lesbian says un-categorically, “Never trust a bisexual; they always cheat,” this is biphobia. When a gay man tells a friend who comes out to him as bisexual, “Ha, ha, my boyfriend went through a phase like that too; come talk to me when you’re ready to admit you’re really gay,” that’s biphobia.

As tolerance for gay people becomes more widespread, actual biphobia becomes more easily noticeable. This is one of the reasons why the fight against biphobia is starting to gain momentum – it’s no longer something that’s mostly hidden in/mixed up with homophobia.

When a high school teacher, while giving a lesson on gay rights, tells her students that bisexuals are confused, indiscriminate, or just lying for attention, that is biphobia.

When bisexuals go to “LGBT” events and are spat on, yelled at, laughed at, or even simply called an ally, by gays and lesbians, this is biphobia.

When bisexual women on dating sites are constantly contacted by men crudely describing the threesome they are sure these women are just waiting to have with them, because the stereotype spread by the porn industry is that bisexuals want to have sex with everyone all the time, this is biphobia.

Stark statistics also provide evidence that biphobia “is a thing.”

Sixty percent of bisexual people report hearing anti-bisexual jokes and comments on the job, so not surprisingly, forty-nine percent report that they are not out to any of their coworkers. Compare this to the fact that only twenty-four percent of lesbian and gay people are totally closeted at work.

When bisexual survivors of violent crime interact with police, they are three times more likely to experience police violence than people who are not bisexual.

Thirty percent of bisexual women live in poverty, compared to twenty-one percent of heterosexual women, and twenty-three percent of lesbians.

Forty-six percent of bisexual women have experienced rape compared to seventeen percent of straight women, and thirteen percent of lesbians.

Sixty-one percent of bisexual woman have experience, stalking, physical violence, or rape, from an intimate partner, compared to thirty-five percent of straight women, and forty-three percent of lesbians.

While lesbian and gay adults are two times more likely than straights to attempt suicide, bisexuals are four times more likely. Further, while gay men are about four times more likely than straight men to seriously consider suicide in their lifetime, bisexual men are nearly six and a half times more likely. Especially disturbing, is the fact that while thoughts of suicide tend to lessen as people move from adolescence into adulthood, recent studies show this isn't the case for bisexuals.

Want more examples of biphobia? Once on Twitter, when someone responded to me saying, “There’s no such thing as biphobia,” one of their friends responded, “Look at her Twitter feed! Yeah, biphobia is a thing!” Sadly, you can find new examples there daily.

When I tell someone it’s ignorant to say that bisexual men don’t exist, and they tweet back, “Go kill yourself,” yes, biphobia is a thing, and yes, it’s way past time to do something about it.

This first appeared, in a slightly different version, as my The BiAngle column in The Gayly.

Advice for Coming Out as Bisexual

While there is excellent information available about coming out as gay, there is little specifically for coming out as bisexual. Partially, this is because most gay coming out info is also quite relevant to coming out as bi. However, there are additional issues encountered when coming out as bisexual. The advice in this blog is intended to address these bisexual-specific issues, and is meant to add to, not replace, standard coming out advice.

                          

It’s a great idea to first come out to people who will be supportive, and build from there. Unfortunately, bisexuals sometimes make the mistake of assuming that coming out to someone who is gay, or a gay ally, will go well. Sadly, many gays are hostile towards, or ignorant about, bisexuality, and gay allies often follow their lead. So, just like with straight people, it’s wise to see what a gay person’s, or an ally’s, attitude towards bisexuality is, before deciding how and when to come out to them.

When coming out as bi, it’s important to keep in mind that most monosexuals have never given bisexuality much thought. Don't assume that friends and family will pick up on hints. Often people don't see us even when we wave our flag in their face. The reality is, most people have no idea bisexuals even have a flag, nor what the bi colors are. In fact, one of the biggest frustrations you may face is that even when you explicitly come out as bisexual, you may still not be out. You may need to come out to the same people over and over again. Often people just don't get it, refuse to accept it, or actively deny it.

Some people may not even know what bisexual means. They may confuse the word with transgender or androgyny, or think it’s just another way to say gay. People may confuse bisexual with polyamory or assume bi means that you have to have more than one lover to be satisfied.

Indeed, it’s wise to be prepared for a great deal of ignorance. You may want to have educational resources available. Often people just repeat things they have heard others say, without giving it much thought. A little bit of information sometimes goes a long way.

Bracing yourself for possible ignorant and biphobic reactions, and thinking about how you might respond to these, as well as to the typical homophobic reactions, can ease the process.

It’s not unusual for people to react by insisting that bisexuals are really straight, or gay. You may be subjected to stories about people who said they were bi and later came out as gay. You may be told that it would be easier if you just chose to be “just gay,” or straight. You may be accused of seeking attention, or being greedy, indecisive, confused, oversexed, or going through a phase. Others may insist that identifying as bisexual is transphobic, or that you should ID as pansexual. Some people may declare that based on your relationship history you are not bi, or ask you to prove that you are bisexual by giving them an intimate history of your sex life.

To stop people from crossing boundaries, be prepared to say things like, “That’s too personal of a question; please respect my privacy,” or, “Please respect my right to choose not to share details of my sexual experiences.”

Since porn labeled “bisexual” gives the impression that bisexuals engage in indiscriminate sex with lots of people, it may be wise to explain that bisexuals are no more prone to this kind of sexual lifestyle than gays or straights. Explaining that bisexuals simply have a wider sphere of people we are possibly attracted to, can help monosexuals understand better. Further, it can make a difference to point out that bisexuality isn't exclusively about sex, but rather about being sexually and romantically attracted to more than one gender, and about whom we might potentially fall in love with.

For more ideas on how to respond to biphobic reactions, see “Helpful Hints for Biphobics” 

For most people, coming out to themselves was a difficult and drawn out process; your friends and family may need the same kind of patience. 

Advice for Coming Out as Bisexual first appeared as my BiAngle Column in the October Issue of The Gayly.

Bisexuals Passing As Gay

This was originally published in The Gayly, as my September 2014 BiAngle Column.

While so many gays and straights say they don’t know any, or hardly any, people who are bisexual, or who have maintained a bi identity for any length of time, out bisexuals know there are “invisible” bisexuals all over the place – bisexuals who are out to us, but ID as gay or straight to the rest of the world. It’s commonly thought that most bisexuals pass as straight. Few realize how many actually pass as gay, much less, how difficult it can be for those who do.

For example, there’s the friend I initially met not long after he came out as gay. Picking up on clues that he was not really gay, I asked his opinion on bisexuality. He hesitated at first, but then the floodgates opened. He’d been married for several years when his wife discovered his attractions to men. He explained to her that he was bisexual. Despite their active and fulfilling love life, she said there was no such thing as bisexual, insisted that he was gay, and outed him as gay to his family. He explained to them that he was bisexual. They explained that it was okay that he was gay, that they accepted him for being gay, and that he should accept that he was gay too. His marriage was falling apart, and he was grappling with suddenly being outed, while he was still in the process of coming to terms with his same-sex attractions. Insisting he was bi repeatedly was met with bi-erasure, bi-phobia, and bi-ignorance. It was too much to handle; everything was too much to handle. So yeah, he finally “admitted” he was “gay,” and began living as a very openly gay man. Only, he is not.

Recently, an older “lesbian” told me that when she was younger, the feminist-lesbian world that had become her community demanded she ID as lesbian or be ostracized. So, despite having had many sexual and romantic affairs, and long-term relationships, with men, she took on the lesbian label and has been an out “lesbian” for decades. All this time later, she told me her story with an emphasis on the absurdity of the situation, and more than a bit of lingering bitterness.   

While some gay people do present a bisexual ID temporarily in the coming out process, way too often it’s not understood that frequently what’s behind those who change their ID from bi to gay, isn't a maturing in understanding their sexuality, nor overcoming cowardice in coming out as just gay. For many it’s actually a lack of ability to maintain a bisexual identity amid a barrage of pressures to ID as gay, accompanied by a complete void in external validation of their true sexuality. Nor is it understood how stressful it can be for actual bisexuals to have the “Bi now, Gay later,” phrase repeatedly thrown at them.

Once a bisexual is thoroughly involved in the gay community, it’s incredibly difficult for them if they attempt to come out as bi. It can mean losing community, support, friends, and social life, an experience that can be agonizingly traumatic.  

Such was the case for a young man I met at a bisexual symposium back when I was a student at San Francisco State. He explained that he had always ID as gay, but had found himself more and more attracted to his female best friend. When he tried to talk to his friends— gay men — about this shocking self-discovery and growing love, they reacted as if he were a traitor, and ridiculed and shunned him.

It’s high time to change the fact is that too many openly out gay people are truly secretly closeted bisexuals who feel they cannot openly be who they are.

As Don Weise, who was listed among Out Magazine's "100 Most Intriguing Gay Men and Lesbians,” said, when he came out recently as bisexual, “Isn't coming out about declaring who and what we desire in the face of who and what we're expected to desire?” He added, “What matters to me is coming to the most authentic expression of who I truly am and living from that place, openly.”

The Fallacy of Bisexual Heteroprivilege

This first appeared, in a slightly different version, in my column The BiAngle in the August issue of The Gayly.

Bisexual heteroprivilege — the notion that bisexuals can easily pass as straight, and therefore do not suffer the same level of discrimination as gays — is overly simplistic and ignores multiple realities.

Many bisexuals are in same-sex relationships, many look and act in ways that people associate as gay, and — though this is rarely spoken about — a great many bisexuals actually pass as gay. For these bisexuals, straight-privilege is no more attainable than it is for any lesbian or gay person.

Okay admittedly, a bisexual passing as gay can choose to go through the trauma of breaking up with the same-sex person they are in love with, in hopes that the next person they love will be of a different-gender, so that they can go from being in a closet labeled gay, to being in a closet labeled straight.

Bisexuals who do fall in love with different-gender partners, can choose the wonderful experience of denying their identity so that they can have the privilege of appearing to be something that’s alien to themselves, yet more palatable to society.

Indeed, the idea of bisexual hetero-privilege implies that it is a privilege to be seen as someone who you are not, that it is a privilege to have your identity erased. Nearly every gay and lesbian has known the horrible price of secrecy and self-abdication. It is short-sighted then, to think it’s any different for bisexuals.

Most bisexuals – once they’ve come out to themselves – will tell you that they love being bisexual. Why? Because that’s who they are. It’s a basic human desire, to be seen, loved, and appreciated for ourselves. Which is exactly why so many LGBT people are out of the closet.

Yes, the logistics of being closeted — hiding as gay or straight —can be relatively easy for bisexuals, especially for those in committed relationships. It’s also especially difficult to come out — since many gays and straights shove us back in the closet with the insistence that we in fact “play” for one of their “teams.” Further, there is extra incentive for bisexuals to stay closeted, since when coming out we faces not only homophobia, but also biphobia.

It’s no wonder then, that one of my most popular blog posts is, “Why Bother Coming Out as Bisexual?” The answer is, for our own mental health, because using either gay or straight “monosexual privilege” denies us our truths. This is why the words “erasure” and “invisibility” come up constantly in bi-activism. Passing privilege requires we embrace erasing ourselves, while watching the entire bi community face relentless erasure from the press, mass media, mainstream culture, and the gay community. Being erased is no privilege; it’s a problem bisexuals constantly struggle to overcome. 

The “advantages” some bisexuals have for being more likely to be mistaken as heterosexual also often include, being ostracized by many in the LG community, being called homophobic, being ousted from inclusion in supposed LGBT events, and being referred to as allies. These reactions often come in the form of putting blame on bisexuals for the realities of a heteronormative world, as if bisexuals are responsible for our society’s homophobic tendencies. What’s being overlooked is that, not only did bisexuals not make the rules, but we don’t like them any more than gays do. While bisexuals reject hetero-normativity, many gays embrace and promote the monosexual-normativity that oppresses bisexuals.

For many bisexuals, the price for being in different-gender relationships does not end with the negative effects of passing, and animosity from gays. Bisexuals with straight partners often face difficulties inside the relationship due to the partner’s biphobia, which can include: insistence that they are now straight because of the relationship; expectations for threesomes; demands that they be closeted about being bi; and accusations of cheating with, or wanting to cheat with, someone of the same sex. We could call this bisexual hetero-disadvantage – except that bisexuals face many similar problems within same-sex relationships.

In summary, while some bisexuals do sometimes experienced some advantages for appearing heterosexual, for many of us there is no such reality, and for most others the “privilege” is unasked for, unwelcomed, and comes with way too high of price tag to be properly defined as “privilege.”

Choosing Where to Live as an LGBT Person

This is my article published, in a slightly different form, in the fall Issue of Bi Women Quarterly. 

Perhaps the most important current issue for bisexuals is overcoming invisibility. This battle requires more out people, which ironically requires more out people — to provide a community for support, information, and camaraderie. It’s important then, that those of us who feel most safe take the lead.

When I look at what steered me to becoming a person who feels secure enough to not only be out but also out loud, I know much of it started before I was born, started with the family I was born into and the community I grew up in. I know too, that when I hit adulthood and began making decisions for my life, my sexual identity always figured into the choices I made – who I associated with, who I got close to, where I went to college, and where I chose to live.

So when I considered the question posed for this issue of Bi Women Quarterly, “How has your geographic location effected your experience of your sexual orientation?” I realized, for me, largely, it’s more of a matter of how being an LGBT person has effected what geographical locations I have chosen to call home.

Growing up with liberal open-minded parents in a diverse community in the Virgin Islands with — what at the time (1960’s) — was a relatively large out population, helped shape me into a teen who had no problem accepting my sexual identity.

Perhaps having this strong foundation helped me understand that I wouldn't be able to tolerate living anywhere that wouldn’t tolerate who I am. Every time I've moved, I've chosen places that were LGBT friendly, and had large out LGBT communities.

Not only did this help make me feel welcome and accepted by the community at large, but also safe enough to not have to be closeted. Additionally, as a bisexual who was in an opposite-sex relationship for a long time, and often assumed to be straight, living in areas with large LGBT populations, also helped make me feel less disconnected from my queerness.

I realize that not everyone always has the luxury to be able to live where they choose. However, I also realize that there were sacrifices that came with the choices I've made. In my mid-twenties, I moved from San Francisco to central Florida to be near family. I’d lived so far from parents and siblings for many years, and missed the connection. But I couldn't stay. I’m sure I could have found an LGBT community in the area if I looked for it, but the fact that I would have had to look for it is enough to explain why I did not feel at home there, even amongst my family. I returned to San Francisco in less than a year.

I currently live deep inside the Bible Belt, in the south, in a state tarnished by its historical intolerance. However, the town I live in is an oasis of respite from all the above. In 2007, Eureka Springs became the first city in Arkansas to offer civil unions for same sex couples, and in 2011 the first to provide health care coverage for the domestic partners of municipal workers. This year, the first same-sex couples to be married in the South and in the Bible Belt, were married in this little Ozark village. Our tiny town of approximately 2,000 celebrates three Diversity Weekends a year.

Currently, this area is having a crisis in regards to an environmental issue. At a hearing on the matter, many talked of the sacrifices they made to live here, having taken major cuts in income, and upward mobility, to be near natural beauty and serenity. On a personal level, living in this small, isolated, town is severely impacting my income and career prospects. Logistically speaking, at this point in my life, it would be incredibly easy for me to move some place where there would be many more opportunities. Ultimately though, it comes down to the fact that this is where I want to be – because here I have tolerance and diversity, nature and community. These are the things that are most important to me.

When choosing where to live, we all weigh the pluses against the minuses. Can I earn a living? Can I maintain sanity? Can I build community? How important is nature? How important is nightlife? How important is being accepted for who I am? What is the housing situation? Etcetera, etcetera. When I do life coaching with bisexuals who want to be out, but feel that where they live, where they work, or whom they rely on, would make this untenable, I help them explore the possibilities of changing these things. Though unfortunately, sometimes there’s limited prospects to alter one’s geographic location, more often people can change where they live to make being out safer and easier; it all comes down to a matter of priorities.

Awe Inspiring Bisexual Men Coming Out Stories

A slightly different version of this first appeared in The Gayly as my July 2014 BiAngle column. 

Despite so many reasons, and so much opportunity, to erase our identities, many bisexuals refuse to be silenced or rendered invisible. It’s a basic human desire, to be seen, loved, and appreciated for who we are. So to be true to ourselves, to allow the ones we love and the world at large to see us authentically, we come out. To make it easier for other bisexuals, and to dispel stereotypes, we come out.

Since male bisexuality is largely called into question by monosexuals, it’s particularly encouraging that there have been some especially awe-inspiring coming out stories this year by bisexual men.

Despite Jamaica’s harsh anti-sodomy laws and homophobic hate crimes, and despite his industry’s strong homophobic traditions, Jamaican dancehall publicist, Rickardo 'Shuzzr' Smith openly declared his bisexuality. Referring to his sexual identity, Smith said, “I was living a life that men deemed abominable, while others like me saw it as a blessing only few will ever be able to experience.” Smith explained why he felt a need to come out, “…if I'm to ever be who I truly am, and be truly comfortable with myself, in my soul, I must take a stance and speak against injustice, hate lyrics, discrimination and anything that may seek to reduce the life of one and their beliefs.”

Conner Mertens, Willamette University’s football team’s up-and-coming kicker, became the first LGBT college football player in the United States to come out publicly while still playing. He did so even despite the fact that the starting place-kicker position for next season was still undecided. Tweeting to his conservative hometown in Washington State, he said, “I made the decision that if I could prevent one person from feeling that self-hatred, loneliness, desperation and a thousand other emotions that I felt, I would. I will be damned if I let anyone tell you that you are wrong or weird or not normal… Love yourself and allow others to love you. Be who you are and know you're not alone." Mertens also knew that coming out as bisexual would ban him from participating in the Christian organization that had played a huge role in his life, and which he’d planned to be a large part of his future.

Tre Melvin, a young You-Tuber who purportedly has 2 million subscribers and 140 million views, hailed in 2014 by coming out as bisexual saying, “My New Year’s resolution is to fully, utterly, and wholeheartedly be myself from this day forward.” He made it a point to say, “And yes, bisexuality does exists - for you simple minded ignoramuses that think it’s impossible to be naturally attracted to both men and women.” Melvin added, that he’d “Woken up one too many mornings, hating myself, not even wanting to be alive because of what society tells me is right and wrong. No one should ever have to feel that way.” He lamented, “I never understand how people can be so hateful towards others for being themselves.”

Editor, publisher and author, Don Weise, who was listed among Out Magazine's "100 Most Intriguing Gay Men and Lesbians" of the year, came out recently as bisexual, saying, “There's a reason I haven't addressed my bisexuality publicly till now. From the time I first came out, the gay community at large hasn't been a place where I felt comfortable or confident expressing who I really am without the risk of being ridiculed or derided.” He further explained that he feared “becoming an outsider among outsiders.”

Twenty-tree year-old Pennsylvania school board member, Basilio A. Bonilla Jr., came out saying, “…honesty is something that I really do believe in and I felt it was important for me to be honest with not only my family and myself, but also the community I represent.” He explained that another reason why he came out as bisexual was, “…to make it a little easier for our future generations to know that it is perfectly acceptable and normal to be who they are regardless of what others may think.”

With these men as new role models, it’s hopeful that even more bisexuals will find their way to openly be themselves.

Bisexualty and Aging Interview, Harrie Farrow

An Interview with Me; Bisexuality and Aging

School Board Member Comes Out as Bisexual

I've been asked to contribute to BiNet USA's blog. Here is my first piece,
about why a young school board member came out as bisexual.

Bisexual Activism and Social Media / BiCast and Harrie Farrow

Me and The BiCast crew having a fun and interesting conversation about bisexual activism and social media.

Part 2 of my discussion with the great folks at The BiCast about using social media in bisexual activism.

Bi Pride

This first appeared in my June, The BiAngle, column in The Gayly.

Bi Pride

The progress of bisexual pride has been caught up in a vicious cycle. A strong bisexual community cannot form without people who are out, but it can be extremely difficult for people to come out without a strong community behind them. Unfortunately, due to rampant biphobia within the gay community, “LGBT” groups often cannot be counted on by bisexuals seeking safe space and acceptance.  

Further contributing to the reality that there are more closeted bisexuals than gays or lesbians, is the fact that bisexuals can have an especially challenging time coming out to themselves. The difficult part of accepting that one is not straight, is having to admit that there is an aspect of who you are that is largely unacceptable to society. Some gays feel that bisexuals have it easier because they are “only half gay.” However, a survey showed that bisexuals not only ranked lower, in social acceptance, than gays and lesbians, but also lower than “all other groups assessed—including religious, racial, ethnic, and political groups—except injecting drug users.”

The combination of biphobia and the multiple-attraction nature of bisexuality further complicates the coming-out-to-one’s-self process. Young people may have only heard the word “bisexual” in connection to porn, or attached to words such as “cheaters,” “liars,” and “indiscriminate.” Bisexuals coming of age and noticing their attraction to more than one sex, may try to rationalize their same-sex desires away - a coping strategy caused by their unwillingness to consider the possibility of a label they only know to have negative connotations. For other bisexuals, the fact that they feel same-sex attractions is often interpreted as meaning that they are gay, and they then dismiss or ignore, for as long as possible, their opposite-sex attractions - again, the hope is to avoid identification with what they likely think of as, that terrible thing, “bisexual.” Furthermore, because of the stereotypes of bisexuals being “confused,” or “non-existent,” a bisexual is likely to feel the need be super certain of their identity before coming out.

Even when having no doubt in regards to their feelings and attractions, many bisexual think they need to have multiple experiences with both men and women before being allowed to declare their identity. This is constantly reinforced by the intense personal scrutiny bisexuals encounter: Have you ever actually had a romantic relationship with a man? How many women have you even slept with? Since many bisexuals are not promiscuous, this insistence that they need to prove themselves by having multiple sexual and romantic partners, creates yet another stumbling block to owning their identity.

Even once bisexuals have come out to themselves, they still face extreme challenges in coming out to others. Their friends, family members, and community, not only have to overcome homophobia, but also biphobia, and nearly always, bi-ignorance. When bisexuals come out, they face not only being called slurs such as “slut,” and “greedy,” but also disbelief that their identity is even valid, admonishments for failing to come out as gay, and accusations of being confused or seeking attention.

The evening after the first same-sex couples in Arkansas were married in my town, Eureka Springs, I went to a celebration event, where I sadly encountered a classic, every-day, bit of biphobia. The person with the mic asked: “How many straight people are here tonight? How many lesbians? How many gays? And how many of you are just effing confused?”

Many people do not understand how damaging a negative comment about bisexuals can be. The next day, I happened to see this post by a young person on social media, “So I like women, and I like my boyfriend, I am bisexual right? Wrong. Many people associate the term bisexual with confused. And I am not confused, I am happy.”

Considering all the issues bisexuals face in coming out, how can there be hope for bi-pride until we get beyond a time when even gays make insensitive jokes at the expenses of bisexuals? The situation is especially bleak when many bisexuals, with little community to support them, end up taking the stereotypes to heart, and refuse to embrace their identity. 

Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe Print Version

My bisexual themed literary coming of age novel, with a polyamory subplot, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe," is now available on Amazon in a print version, in addition to the Kindle e-book version.

BiCast Interview with Harrie Farrow Author: "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

I had a great time talking with the wonderful folks at BiCast. Our conversation covered everything from writing sex scenes, to writing from a male point of view.
BiCast Interview: Harrie Farrow on "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe." Bisexual themed novel.

Bi-Voice

This is my first piece as The BiAngle Columnist for The Gayly, which hit the stands in May. My June BiAngle column is entitled, BiPride.

Bi-Voice

A main consensus about what can be done to help bisexuals suffer less at the hands of biphobia and bi-erasure, is bi-visibility, and bi-voice, and their inevitable consequence, bi-pride. News of my new column, focusing on bisexuality, in The Gayly, was met enthusiastically by the on-line bisexual community, not only because The Gayly is being inclusive, but also because the column is going to be written by someone who actually knows about bisexual issues. Unfortunately, it’s rather rare that something referenced as LGBT will neither ignore, nor marginalize, but actually give clear and on-going recognition to, the largest group within the acronym.

On Facebook bisexual community pages, such as BiNet USA, there are frequent links to articles where someone who is out as bisexual is unequivocally referred to as gay; reports of events labeled LGBT where bisexuals were refused representation; links to studies designed to determine if bisexuals exist, instead of exploring what can be done about the fact that bisexuals have the highest rates of suicide, depression, poverty, rape, and domestic violence. Then there are links to articles that seem to attempt to give recognition to bisexuals, but instead further perpetuate stereotypes and misinformation, often quoting “experts” who are neither bisexual nor listen to what bisexuals have to say.

It’s telling that I, myself, am more excited about The Gayly having a regular column about bisexuality that’s written by someone who is bisexual and knowledgeable, than I am about the fact that I'm the one writing it.

There are worlds of bi-specific matters that go left unaddressed when bi is lumped into an “LGBT” that is really only LG, or as some bi-activists have coined, GGGG. This column will be about bi-news, bi-issues, and bi-solutions. I’ll be discussing ways bisexuals and our allies can combat biphobia, and ways to cope with bisexual related stressors. I’ll be reviewing the multifaceted importance of bi-pride.

My own perspective is from entering my 20’s in 1980, during the height of the gay liberation movement. In the revolutionary fury of the times, many bisexuals, denying their own truths, systematically rallied for - what was seen as the larger cause - gay rights. Jump to 2014, and gay rights have made huge advances; meanwhile it appears to be open season for belittling, hating, sexually-harassing, and marginalizing bisexuals. Many bisexuals still deny their own truths while continuing to fight for - what is too often referred to as gay marriage instead of the bisexual inclusive - samesex marriage.

Gay causes will always be bisexual causes, and bisexuals will always fight for them, but the converse isn't true – bisexual-specific issues don’t directly affect non-straight monosexuals. No longer is it acceptable for bisexuals to ignore our own issues, focusing energy on gay rights, while too many gays and lesbians are on the forefront of bisexual bullying. Though, appreciatively, there are many gays and lesbians who do care about our issues, it is long past time for bisexuals to rise to the task of dealing with our specific problems.

Many bisexuals struggle with not only homophobia, but also biphobia, from their families and communities. However, what is especially disturbing, is that many who have gay-friendly families and or communities, still struggle with harsh biphobia from these sources. Many are barely coping, and those of us who have escaped the brunt of biphobia, feel the call to step up to the plate. I’m fortunate in this way, and yet, doing work, such as seeking out and responding to biphobia as @BisexualBatman on Twitter, has taken its toll on me. After months of keeping up with such tasks, I now find there are days when I just can’t. When I get tweets telling me to “go kill yourself,” or calling me greedy, or with crude suggestions of what I should do with other people’s genitalia, it hurts - not personally, but because I know that other bisexuals, those who were never given the chance to develop the emotional strength I have, are being told similar things, often from their families, “friends,” and worse, people they turned to for help, expecting them to be allies.