Many monosexuals (gays and straights) seem to believe
that the concept of bisexuality explicitly implies that bisexuals always want
to have both a man and woman as lovers. This belief tends to leads to the
perception that when we bisexuals are in a monogamous relationship, we must have
an unyielding ache for the gender that our significant other is not. This is
partly where the stereotypes of bisexuals being confused, greedy, and cheaters
comes from — the imagined realities that others have of how our minds hearts, and
groins function.
Often the negative attributes that those we try to bond
with assign to us out of prejudiced-induced fear, become self-fulfilling prophecies.
We tire of our partner’s suspicions, accusations, and targeted insults, and
eventually do leave in search of
someone who can respect and trust us for who we actually are. Our leaving
fuels, once again falsely, the stereotypes. This is especially true if the
person we hook up with next happens not to be of the same gender of the person
who has been left.
However, the fact is, many bisexuals desire and value
monogamy, want only to find that one other in whichever gender that person
happens to manifest.
Talking about monogamy and bisexuality is very akin to
talking about homosexuality and monogamy, and heterosexuality and monogamy. For
all sexual identities, when we chose monogamy we choose to forgo fulfilling all
desires that the one we have promised fidelity to cannot give us.
Lesbian, Lori, ideally wants a woman who shares certain
sexual fantasies, likes to hike, will cuddle after sex, has long legs, large
breasts, and loves bowling. Lori ends up falling in love with Pam who has long
legs, loves cuddling and hiking, but has small breasts, hates bowling, and though
she loves to put on a sexy cowgirl outfit, has refused to ever make love in the
rain.
Lori’s bowling teammate, the flirtatious Shelly, happens
to have large breasts and reveals one day that she has always dreamed of having
sex in the rain. Will Lori cheat on Pam with Shelly? If she’s heartless, or has
psychological issues that compel her to seek drama and self-destruction, she
likely will.
Or, maybe Lori will not even be tempted because she’s
mentally healthy, and crazy about Pam and their awesome relationship.
Okay, now just transfer all that on Bisexual, Betty, who
has committed herself to monogamy with another woman. Yeah, this woman cannot fulfill
Betty’s desires for men, but weather Betty cheats has to do with her
personality, mental health, and the nature of their relationship, not the fact that Betty is bi.
Further, it’s presumptuous to assume that Betty even has tugging desires for men.
The notion that bisexuals always want both a man and a
woman is based on the idea that bisexuality means being attracted to, what many
monosexuals seem to perceive as, opposite traits found in men and women.
Some bisexuals do
revel in the differences, and are attracted to masculine men and feminine women.
However, other bisexuals are also — or even mostly, or solely — attracted to
those who blur, blend, or eschew gender dualities. Still other bisexuals refer
to themselves as being “gender-blind.” These bisexuals desire people for
attributes other than gender, with gender being of no, little, or only
secondary interest. Betty, may in fact, be ecstatically happy to have found someone as wonderful as her girlfriend,
and not feel the absence of a male lover at all.
Human sexuality is highly complex. Because gay and
straight encompasses those on the extremes of gender attractions, and
bisexuality everyone else, it is in bisexuals that we see the complexities and
multitudes of possibilities.
While monogamy is desirable and attainable for many bisexuals,
there are others who do prefer to
have multiple lovers. Next month I will talk about bisexuality and polyamory. I
will also cover some of the other reasons behind the stereotypes of bisexuals
being unable to commit that were not touched on this month.
This post first appeared as my December 2014 BiAngle column in The Gayly.
