While there is excellent information available about
coming out as gay, there is little specifically for coming out as bisexual.
Partially, this is because most gay coming out info is also quite relevant to
coming out as bi. However, there are additional issues encountered when coming
out as bisexual. The advice in this blog is intended to address these bisexual-specific
issues, and is meant to add to, not replace, standard coming out advice.
It’s a great idea to first come out to people who will be
supportive, and build from there. Unfortunately, bisexuals sometimes make the mistake
of assuming that coming out to someone who is gay, or a gay ally, will go well.
Sadly, many gays are hostile towards, or ignorant about, bisexuality, and gay
allies often follow their lead. So, just like with straight people, it’s wise
to see what a gay person’s, or an ally’s, attitude towards bisexuality is,
before deciding how and when to come out to them.
When coming out as bi, it’s important to keep in mind
that most monosexuals have never given bisexuality much thought. Don't assume
that friends and family will pick up on hints. Often people don't see us even
when we wave our flag in their face. The reality is, most people have no idea
bisexuals even have a flag, nor what the bi colors are. In fact, one of the
biggest frustrations you may face is that even when you explicitly come out as
bisexual, you may still not be out. You may need to come out to the same people
over and over again. Often people just don't get it, refuse to accept it, or
actively deny it.
Some people may not even know what bisexual means. They
may confuse the word with transgender or androgyny, or think it’s just another
way to say gay. People may confuse bisexual with polyamory or assume bi means
that you have to have more than one lover to be satisfied.
Indeed, it’s wise to be prepared for a great deal of
ignorance. You may want to have educational resources available. Often people
just repeat things they have heard others say, without giving it much thought.
A little bit of information sometimes goes a long way.
Bracing yourself for possible ignorant and biphobic reactions,
and thinking about how you might respond to these, as well as to the typical
homophobic reactions, can ease the process.
It’s not unusual for people to react by insisting that
bisexuals are really straight, or gay. You may be subjected to stories about
people who said they were bi and later came out as gay. You may be told that it
would be easier if you just chose to be “just gay,” or straight. You may be
accused of seeking attention, or being greedy, indecisive, confused, oversexed,
or going through a phase. Others may insist that identifying as bisexual is
transphobic, or that you should ID as pansexual. Some people may declare that
based on your relationship history you are not bi, or ask you to prove that you
are bisexual by giving them an intimate history of your sex life.
To stop people from crossing boundaries, be prepared to
say things like, “That’s too personal of a question; please respect my
privacy,” or, “Please respect my right to choose not to share details of my
sexual experiences.”
Since porn labeled “bisexual” gives the impression that
bisexuals engage in indiscriminate sex with lots of people, it may be wise to
explain that bisexuals are no more prone to this kind of sexual lifestyle than
gays or straights. Explaining that bisexuals simply have a wider sphere of
people we are possibly attracted to, can help monosexuals understand better.
Further, it can make a difference to point out that bisexuality isn't
exclusively about sex, but rather about being sexually and romantically attracted to more than one gender, and about whom
we might potentially fall in love with.
For more ideas on how to respond to biphobic reactions,
see “Helpful Hints for Biphobics”
For most people, coming out to themselves was a difficult
and drawn out process; your friends and family may need the same kind of
patience.
Advice for Coming Out as Bisexual first appeared as my BiAngle Column in the October Issue of The Gayly.
