Coming Out as Bisexual Over the Holidays?

Coming Out as Bisexual Over the Holidays?

My article in Unicorn Booty: 10 Supportive Things to Say to Bisexuals

Asking the Question: Am I Bisexual?

Bisexuals often have a difficult time coming out to themselves. One of the reasons for that is that there is so much misinformation about what being bisexual even means. If a bisexual listens to the all myths spread by non-bisexuals about what constitutes bisexuality, they tend to become one of the myths – confused.

Many straight and gay people say we don’t exist, but even those who do recognize that bisexuality is a legitimate sexual identity will say things such as: “A person can only claim they are bisexual if they’ve pretty much had exactly the same amount of male and female sexual partners,” or “You have to be currently involved with someone of each gender, or at least want to be simultaneously involved with someone of each gender, if you are bisexual,” or “Only people who have had serious relationships with both men and women can say they are bisexual,” or, “Only people who have had lots of sex with multiple partners of multiple genders are truly bisexual” or “A bisexual must be exactly equally attracted to men and women, otherwise they are really gay or straight.

Meanwhile, many of those who identify as pansexual say you cannot identify as bisexual if you are attracted to transgender, or intersex, or genderqueer, people.

Trying to fit the parameters that non-bisexuals have imposed on our identity, is like listening to someone from another continent saying that in order to say you are an American you have to be born on American soil, with parents who were born in America, and you have to love Coca-Cola, apple-pie, baseball, and wear a cowboy hat and own at least one gun.

It's no wonder that often coming to terms with a bisexual identity gets caught in a seemingly endless cycle of questioning. 

Those of us who have accepted a bisexual identity know that our sexual orientation is not as restrictive nor convoluted as so many have been misled to believe. Bisexuals tend to simply describe their identity as “attracted to more than one gender,” or “attracted to same and different genders.”

BiNet USA similarly explains that being bisexual means: “that you were born with the capacity to be attracted to people regardless of someone's sexual or gender identity.”

Longtime bi-activist/bi-educator Robin Ochs explains bisexuality this way: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

As the U.K. based Bisexual Index explains, it’s really not complicated:

“If you're asking yourself "Am I Bisexual?" then here's a handy checklist:

Thinking about the people you've been attracted to, so far in your life, were they all of the same gender?

If you answered "No," to any or all of the questions in our list above then we feel it's okay for you to call yourself bisexual. We don't care how attracted you are to the genders around you - you're bisexual as soon as you stop being exclusively attracted to only one sex.”

This was originally published in a slightly different form in my April BiAngle Column in The Gayly. 

BiTopia Write up on "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe"

BiTopia asked me to do a write up about "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

Advice for Coming Out as Bisexual

While there is excellent information available about coming out as gay, there is little specifically for coming out as bisexual. Partially, this is because most gay coming out info is also quite relevant to coming out as bi. However, there are additional issues encountered when coming out as bisexual. The advice in this blog is intended to address these bisexual-specific issues, and is meant to add to, not replace, standard coming out advice.

                          

It’s a great idea to first come out to people who will be supportive, and build from there. Unfortunately, bisexuals sometimes make the mistake of assuming that coming out to someone who is gay, or a gay ally, will go well. Sadly, many gays are hostile towards, or ignorant about, bisexuality, and gay allies often follow their lead. So, just like with straight people, it’s wise to see what a gay person’s, or an ally’s, attitude towards bisexuality is, before deciding how and when to come out to them.

When coming out as bi, it’s important to keep in mind that most monosexuals have never given bisexuality much thought. Don't assume that friends and family will pick up on hints. Often people don't see us even when we wave our flag in their face. The reality is, most people have no idea bisexuals even have a flag, nor what the bi colors are. In fact, one of the biggest frustrations you may face is that even when you explicitly come out as bisexual, you may still not be out. You may need to come out to the same people over and over again. Often people just don't get it, refuse to accept it, or actively deny it.

Some people may not even know what bisexual means. They may confuse the word with transgender or androgyny, or think it’s just another way to say gay. People may confuse bisexual with polyamory or assume bi means that you have to have more than one lover to be satisfied.

Indeed, it’s wise to be prepared for a great deal of ignorance. You may want to have educational resources available. Often people just repeat things they have heard others say, without giving it much thought. A little bit of information sometimes goes a long way.

Bracing yourself for possible ignorant and biphobic reactions, and thinking about how you might respond to these, as well as to the typical homophobic reactions, can ease the process.

It’s not unusual for people to react by insisting that bisexuals are really straight, or gay. You may be subjected to stories about people who said they were bi and later came out as gay. You may be told that it would be easier if you just chose to be “just gay,” or straight. You may be accused of seeking attention, or being greedy, indecisive, confused, oversexed, or going through a phase. Others may insist that identifying as bisexual is transphobic, or that you should ID as pansexual. Some people may declare that based on your relationship history you are not bi, or ask you to prove that you are bisexual by giving them an intimate history of your sex life.

To stop people from crossing boundaries, be prepared to say things like, “That’s too personal of a question; please respect my privacy,” or, “Please respect my right to choose not to share details of my sexual experiences.”

Since porn labeled “bisexual” gives the impression that bisexuals engage in indiscriminate sex with lots of people, it may be wise to explain that bisexuals are no more prone to this kind of sexual lifestyle than gays or straights. Explaining that bisexuals simply have a wider sphere of people we are possibly attracted to, can help monosexuals understand better. Further, it can make a difference to point out that bisexuality isn't exclusively about sex, but rather about being sexually and romantically attracted to more than one gender, and about whom we might potentially fall in love with.

For more ideas on how to respond to biphobic reactions, see “Helpful Hints for Biphobics” 

For most people, coming out to themselves was a difficult and drawn out process; your friends and family may need the same kind of patience. 

Advice for Coming Out as Bisexual first appeared as my BiAngle Column in the October Issue of The Gayly.

Bisexuals Passing As Gay

This was originally published in The Gayly, as my September 2014 BiAngle Column.

While so many gays and straights say they don’t know any, or hardly any, people who are bisexual, or who have maintained a bi identity for any length of time, out bisexuals know there are “invisible” bisexuals all over the place – bisexuals who are out to us, but ID as gay or straight to the rest of the world. It’s commonly thought that most bisexuals pass as straight. Few realize how many actually pass as gay, much less, how difficult it can be for those who do.

For example, there’s the friend I initially met not long after he came out as gay. Picking up on clues that he was not really gay, I asked his opinion on bisexuality. He hesitated at first, but then the floodgates opened. He’d been married for several years when his wife discovered his attractions to men. He explained to her that he was bisexual. Despite their active and fulfilling love life, she said there was no such thing as bisexual, insisted that he was gay, and outed him as gay to his family. He explained to them that he was bisexual. They explained that it was okay that he was gay, that they accepted him for being gay, and that he should accept that he was gay too. His marriage was falling apart, and he was grappling with suddenly being outed, while he was still in the process of coming to terms with his same-sex attractions. Insisting he was bi repeatedly was met with bi-erasure, bi-phobia, and bi-ignorance. It was too much to handle; everything was too much to handle. So yeah, he finally “admitted” he was “gay,” and began living as a very openly gay man. Only, he is not.

Recently, an older “lesbian” told me that when she was younger, the feminist-lesbian world that had become her community demanded she ID as lesbian or be ostracized. So, despite having had many sexual and romantic affairs, and long-term relationships, with men, she took on the lesbian label and has been an out “lesbian” for decades. All this time later, she told me her story with an emphasis on the absurdity of the situation, and more than a bit of lingering bitterness.   

While some gay people do present a bisexual ID temporarily in the coming out process, way too often it’s not understood that frequently what’s behind those who change their ID from bi to gay, isn't a maturing in understanding their sexuality, nor overcoming cowardice in coming out as just gay. For many it’s actually a lack of ability to maintain a bisexual identity amid a barrage of pressures to ID as gay, accompanied by a complete void in external validation of their true sexuality. Nor is it understood how stressful it can be for actual bisexuals to have the “Bi now, Gay later,” phrase repeatedly thrown at them.

Once a bisexual is thoroughly involved in the gay community, it’s incredibly difficult for them if they attempt to come out as bi. It can mean losing community, support, friends, and social life, an experience that can be agonizingly traumatic.  

Such was the case for a young man I met at a bisexual symposium back when I was a student at San Francisco State. He explained that he had always ID as gay, but had found himself more and more attracted to his female best friend. When he tried to talk to his friends— gay men — about this shocking self-discovery and growing love, they reacted as if he were a traitor, and ridiculed and shunned him.

It’s high time to change the fact is that too many openly out gay people are truly secretly closeted bisexuals who feel they cannot openly be who they are.

As Don Weise, who was listed among Out Magazine's "100 Most Intriguing Gay Men and Lesbians,” said, when he came out recently as bisexual, “Isn't coming out about declaring who and what we desire in the face of who and what we're expected to desire?” He added, “What matters to me is coming to the most authentic expression of who I truly am and living from that place, openly.”

School Board Member Comes Out as Bisexual

I've been asked to contribute to BiNet USA's blog. Here is my first piece,
about why a young school board member came out as bisexual.

Bi Pride

This first appeared in my June, The BiAngle, column in The Gayly.

Bi Pride

The progress of bisexual pride has been caught up in a vicious cycle. A strong bisexual community cannot form without people who are out, but it can be extremely difficult for people to come out without a strong community behind them. Unfortunately, due to rampant biphobia within the gay community, “LGBT” groups often cannot be counted on by bisexuals seeking safe space and acceptance.  

Further contributing to the reality that there are more closeted bisexuals than gays or lesbians, is the fact that bisexuals can have an especially challenging time coming out to themselves. The difficult part of accepting that one is not straight, is having to admit that there is an aspect of who you are that is largely unacceptable to society. Some gays feel that bisexuals have it easier because they are “only half gay.” However, a survey showed that bisexuals not only ranked lower, in social acceptance, than gays and lesbians, but also lower than “all other groups assessed—including religious, racial, ethnic, and political groups—except injecting drug users.”

The combination of biphobia and the multiple-attraction nature of bisexuality further complicates the coming-out-to-one’s-self process. Young people may have only heard the word “bisexual” in connection to porn, or attached to words such as “cheaters,” “liars,” and “indiscriminate.” Bisexuals coming of age and noticing their attraction to more than one sex, may try to rationalize their same-sex desires away - a coping strategy caused by their unwillingness to consider the possibility of a label they only know to have negative connotations. For other bisexuals, the fact that they feel same-sex attractions is often interpreted as meaning that they are gay, and they then dismiss or ignore, for as long as possible, their opposite-sex attractions - again, the hope is to avoid identification with what they likely think of as, that terrible thing, “bisexual.” Furthermore, because of the stereotypes of bisexuals being “confused,” or “non-existent,” a bisexual is likely to feel the need be super certain of their identity before coming out.

Even when having no doubt in regards to their feelings and attractions, many bisexual think they need to have multiple experiences with both men and women before being allowed to declare their identity. This is constantly reinforced by the intense personal scrutiny bisexuals encounter: Have you ever actually had a romantic relationship with a man? How many women have you even slept with? Since many bisexuals are not promiscuous, this insistence that they need to prove themselves by having multiple sexual and romantic partners, creates yet another stumbling block to owning their identity.

Even once bisexuals have come out to themselves, they still face extreme challenges in coming out to others. Their friends, family members, and community, not only have to overcome homophobia, but also biphobia, and nearly always, bi-ignorance. When bisexuals come out, they face not only being called slurs such as “slut,” and “greedy,” but also disbelief that their identity is even valid, admonishments for failing to come out as gay, and accusations of being confused or seeking attention.

The evening after the first same-sex couples in Arkansas were married in my town, Eureka Springs, I went to a celebration event, where I sadly encountered a classic, every-day, bit of biphobia. The person with the mic asked: “How many straight people are here tonight? How many lesbians? How many gays? And how many of you are just effing confused?”

Many people do not understand how damaging a negative comment about bisexuals can be. The next day, I happened to see this post by a young person on social media, “So I like women, and I like my boyfriend, I am bisexual right? Wrong. Many people associate the term bisexual with confused. And I am not confused, I am happy.”

Considering all the issues bisexuals face in coming out, how can there be hope for bi-pride until we get beyond a time when even gays make insensitive jokes at the expenses of bisexuals? The situation is especially bleak when many bisexuals, with little community to support them, end up taking the stereotypes to heart, and refuse to embrace their identity. 

Why Bother Coming Out as Bisexual?

A commenter responding to my blog post Quietly Coming Out as Bisexual said, “I can't imagine why sexuality would have anything to do with anyone other than the person involved. I have no desire to wear a sign saying I'm a non-practicing heterosexual.” I've frequently heard not only straight people, but also bisexuals, wonder why a bisexual should feel any need to make it a point to come out. A bisexual man on twitter so eloquently put it to me (as @BisexualBatman) this way, "Nobody cares who we fuck." While, gays and lesbians usually have a good grasp on the reasons why they should not live a closeted life - for example this would mean never publicly acknowledging the person they love - the issue gets more complex for bisexuals.

No one thinks twice when a man and a woman walk down the street holding hands, or go to an event presenting themselves as partners. When a gay couple does these things, they are automatically announcing their sexual orientation. But someone doing these things, as part of either a same sex-relationship or an opposite-sex relationship, may actually be bisexual, and thus still closeted about their orientation, despite being open about their relationship.

A bisexual woman (let’s call her Margret) may say something like, "I'm thirty-six and I've been in a committed monogamous relationship with my girlfriend, Joan, for eight years. I've self-identified as bisexual since I was sixteen, but aside from a few make-out sessions in college, Joan was the first woman I was with. Joan knows I’m bisexual and she’s totally accepting, but everyone else thinks I’m a lesbian who took a long time to come out. Since I intend to stay monogamous with my girlfriend, I don’t see why I should come out as bisexual. My mother had such a difficult time accepting my relationship with Joan that I didn't want to complicate things at the time by insisting I was bisexual. Now that she’s okay about me and Joan, I don’t want to cause her any more grief, or disrupt our new found harmony. Also, some of our lesbian friends sometimes speak negatively about bisexuals and I don’t want to alienate them. Yet being closeted keeps nagging at me.”

Like Margret, many bisexuals - contrary to stereotypes - are monogamous. For them, once in a committed relationship, it’s easy to pass as gay or straight. Ironically, bisexuals are criticized for both having this “privilege” (as if bisexuals are responsible for creating the social dynamic that makes this possible), and for insisting on “making a big issue” of coming out as bisexual anyway. As far as having the perceived “privilege” of passing as gay or straight, the truth is this is often experienced as a curse by bisexuals. Gays and straights alike are more than happy to tell a bisexual, “You are with Joe/Jane now so you’re gay/straight now.” This, and the tendency by the press to also automatically put bisexuals in a gay or straight box, is what is known as bi-erasure. We bisexuals are repeatedly shoved into these boxes against our will and then criticized for taking advantage of this “privilege,” and then further criticized - as overreacting - when many of us still insist on being defined as bisexual.

So what are some of the reasons why many bisexuals insist on being out as bisexual instead of obediently stewing in our "privileged" closets?  (I did a quick review of some reasons on Bi-Visibility Day, but I will elaborate here.) One reason is that when bisexuals remain closeted, there is no opportunity to counteract stereotypes.  Ideas that bisexuals always cheat, are always sexually promiscuous, always must have a partner of each sex, are really gay/lesbian and will not admit it, or are just trying to get attention, run rampant and unchecked.

In the case of my hypothetical bisexual above, Margret is in the position to show her lesbian friends that despite living in a proud and open same-sex relationship she still identifies as bisexual. It would be difficult for her friends to continue to believe that all bisexuals are really closeted self-hating-homosexuals. She would also show her friends that the stereotypes that bisexuals can’t or won’t stay monogamous, or will always leave a women to be with a man to have hetero-privileges, is also not true.

As Harvey Milk said during his coming out campaign, “Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets... We are coming out! We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions! We are coming out to tell the truth about gays!” This massive push for gays to be out and proud and visible is hugely responsible for the incredible progress in gay rights since Milk’s assassination in 1978. Once the greater population saw what gay people are really like, how they really live, it was easy for the straight world to see there was nothing wrong with being gay. The fact that many bisexuals are closeted and living openly as gay (or straight) is, I believe, largely why bisexuals are still so heavily shunned or berated while gays and lesbians are becoming more and more accepted.

Like with everyone contemplating coming out, Margret has to assess the full impact of what that would mean for her and her loved-ones. Margret must consider her mother. She may choose to hide in a same-sex relationship, and appear gay, to protect her family. However, the price she may personally have to pay may not be worth it.

What is the price? For one, feeling guilty - guilty for taking advantage of the less complicated and less controversial label of lesbian, feeling guilty about not being a role model for the larger bisexual community, for participating in bi-erasure, bi-invisibility, for not personally being an example that would help fight bi-stereotyping.
However, the major impact to an individual remaining closeted is in the form of self-denial. Keeping a part of one’s identity hidden from the world can be agonizing. Imagine if redheads had to keep their hair dyed black least anyone find out, imagine if sailing enthusiasts had to pretend that their love for skiing is the only activity they've ever had a hankering for, imagine if art-lovers had to read books about famous artists in dark corners of basements. Imagine the hurt, the loss of intimacy, when one keeps a fundamental part of themselves hidden from their loved-ones. Imagine the anxiety over being accidentally “found out.” Imagine the constant battle of reminding oneself over and over again that even though many people are not okay with who they are, they really are not a bad person, not sick, not perverse. As with the main character in my novel, “Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe,”one ends up asking themselves repeatedly, if there is nothing wrong with who I am, why do I hide? The guilt of further perpetuating the idea that bisexuality is so shameful or embarrassing that one shouldn't openly admit to this part of their personality, can be a heavy burden.

My hypothetical Margret may ask herself, what if my little brother is bi, or my niece, or my girlfriend’s cousin? Wouldn't me coming out make it easier for them? If she and Joan adopt a baby, Margret may wonder: will I be a better mother if I protect my child by hiding this part of myself that is unaccepted and misunderstood by much of society? Or will I be a better mother by being proud and happy and an example of standing up and trying to make a difference?

Sadly, there are often much worse things bisexuals have to consider before coming out – potentially losing a job or a spouse, being a target for a violent hate crime, etc. Certainly these factors may weigh quite heavily.

One of the self-perpetuating problems for bisexuals is that as long as so many of us remain closeted, so many of us will feel isolated, lost, lonely and afraid to come out. Only by being out can we find each other, encourage each other, and support each other. Every person has to decide what’s best for themselves, but one thing is for sure: the more bisexuals are visible and refuse to be re-categorized, marginalized, or mistreated, the sooner society will stop thinking it’s okay to erase us, box us, hate us, and bully us, and a lot happier a lot of individuals will be.