Awe Inspiring Bisexual Men Coming Out Stories

A slightly different version of this first appeared in The Gayly as my July 2014 BiAngle column. 

Despite so many reasons, and so much opportunity, to erase our identities, many bisexuals refuse to be silenced or rendered invisible. It’s a basic human desire, to be seen, loved, and appreciated for who we are. So to be true to ourselves, to allow the ones we love and the world at large to see us authentically, we come out. To make it easier for other bisexuals, and to dispel stereotypes, we come out.

Since male bisexuality is largely called into question by monosexuals, it’s particularly encouraging that there have been some especially awe-inspiring coming out stories this year by bisexual men.

Despite Jamaica’s harsh anti-sodomy laws and homophobic hate crimes, and despite his industry’s strong homophobic traditions, Jamaican dancehall publicist, Rickardo 'Shuzzr' Smith openly declared his bisexuality. Referring to his sexual identity, Smith said, “I was living a life that men deemed abominable, while others like me saw it as a blessing only few will ever be able to experience.” Smith explained why he felt a need to come out, “…if I'm to ever be who I truly am, and be truly comfortable with myself, in my soul, I must take a stance and speak against injustice, hate lyrics, discrimination and anything that may seek to reduce the life of one and their beliefs.”

Conner Mertens, Willamette University’s football team’s up-and-coming kicker, became the first LGBT college football player in the United States to come out publicly while still playing. He did so even despite the fact that the starting place-kicker position for next season was still undecided. Tweeting to his conservative hometown in Washington State, he said, “I made the decision that if I could prevent one person from feeling that self-hatred, loneliness, desperation and a thousand other emotions that I felt, I would. I will be damned if I let anyone tell you that you are wrong or weird or not normal… Love yourself and allow others to love you. Be who you are and know you're not alone." Mertens also knew that coming out as bisexual would ban him from participating in the Christian organization that had played a huge role in his life, and which he’d planned to be a large part of his future.

Tre Melvin, a young You-Tuber who purportedly has 2 million subscribers and 140 million views, hailed in 2014 by coming out as bisexual saying, “My New Year’s resolution is to fully, utterly, and wholeheartedly be myself from this day forward.” He made it a point to say, “And yes, bisexuality does exists - for you simple minded ignoramuses that think it’s impossible to be naturally attracted to both men and women.” Melvin added, that he’d “Woken up one too many mornings, hating myself, not even wanting to be alive because of what society tells me is right and wrong. No one should ever have to feel that way.” He lamented, “I never understand how people can be so hateful towards others for being themselves.”

Editor, publisher and author, Don Weise, who was listed among Out Magazine's "100 Most Intriguing Gay Men and Lesbians" of the year, came out recently as bisexual, saying, “There's a reason I haven't addressed my bisexuality publicly till now. From the time I first came out, the gay community at large hasn't been a place where I felt comfortable or confident expressing who I really am without the risk of being ridiculed or derided.” He further explained that he feared “becoming an outsider among outsiders.”

Twenty-tree year-old Pennsylvania school board member, Basilio A. Bonilla Jr., came out saying, “…honesty is something that I really do believe in and I felt it was important for me to be honest with not only my family and myself, but also the community I represent.” He explained that another reason why he came out as bisexual was, “…to make it a little easier for our future generations to know that it is perfectly acceptable and normal to be who they are regardless of what others may think.”

With these men as new role models, it’s hopeful that even more bisexuals will find their way to openly be themselves.

Real Life Inspiring Writing

In an earlier bog post, Are Novels Largely Autobiographical?, I talk about how bits of experiences in my life are used in creating my fictional worlds, but when all is said and done, the novels are far from autobiographical. However, my poetry is much more autobiographical, and yet my poems too are not completely true to life. A writer often, as I do in my poetry, uses real life as an inspiration but does stick strictly to the facts. 
A writer's first commitment is to create good writing, or more to the point, good reading. To this end, in my poetry, I will often take an emotion or a life situation and magnify its effects to fully capture its essence. It's like cooking down a sauce to enhance the flavor. In so doing, I not only over dramatize the theme but I leave out details that would water down or take away from the full impact.
Readers are left with something that they can possibly relate to in their lives, something they once felt or experienced, and here it is in a pure form, spoken with uncluttered intensity. Though they too most likely did not have as raw of a real life event as the poem conveys, it's speaks to what they went through.
All this being said, here is my most recent poem:

Misguided

I think that when I hug him, what he feels is what it will be like when I’m gone and he can no longer experience the comfort of being in my arms.

When I kiss him, and he wants it so badly, he pulls away because he knows (has convinced himself) that someday he will not have my kisses, and it will be all the more agonizing if he lets me have his now.

My smile is taken to be a threat that I will someday only offer him only sneers.

My kindest gesture is interpreted as a promise that there will be a time when I no longer give him anything but pain.

Every time he does not slip his hand into mine, he is extending the kindness of making its absence less difficult when he is eventually gone.

When he does not say “I love you,” he is giving me a gift of a less-it-could-have-been someday broken heart.

Each time he refuses to share his past with me, he is assuring me that when I become someone from his past, my secrets will be safe.

The walls he erects are meant to support us both when the time comes for us to stand alone.

For my own protection he has told me it will never get any better.

That fact that I am still here, means little, for he could see the end before it even began.

Yet the fact that we are both still here, is because he has failed miserably in all his efforts to protect our hearts.

- Harrie Farrow August 2013

What Inspires Your Characters?

In order to move your plot along, you have to have your character decide to do something. You've created conflict, so there are problems, to build suspense there are more problems. Something has to change, something has to bring the story to its climax.
While it may be tempting to make events beyond your character's control bring about the resounding crescendo of your novel, readers are much more enamored by a story if the struggling protagonist actually does something that makes all the difference. This is where your character needs inspiration. Generally, this is in the form of a catalyst - something new introduced to the story that awakens the lead.  It may be hitting rock bottom as a result of an especially catastrophic event. Just like what inspires alcoholics to go to AA, the situation gets so bad for your character that they are forced to recognize that something has to be done.
Your character may be woken up by something another character does or says at just the right moment - a slap on the face during a wedding by a grandmother who has always been only kind, a statement by a co-worker that makes the character realize that her impression of who she is, is far from how others see her. It may be that a new person or relationship in their life makes your character realize things can't go on the way they have been.
Perhaps it's something subtle like a glace in the mirror at a friend's house or the way a fish struggles on the end of the hook during a camping trip.
Inspiration can come in the form of a long-repressed memory coming to the surface, or a silly poem, or the look on a dog's face.
Your plot, theme, setting, and characters will all guide you toward the best choice for your book. Just make sure your readers feel it as intensely as you do.

Books that Inspire

In the beginning, most of my writing was poetry. I started writing poetry when I was 13 and continued through to my late 20s when I started writing mostly short stories. Though I've almost exclusively focused on novel writing since my mid 30s, occasionally a poem will still find me. In fact it was a poem I wrote today that gave me the idea for this blog.
 "Reflections on a Gift of Watermelon Pickle" - perhaps the best book of poetry ever compiled for teenagers - was a big inspiration for getting me excited about writing. My pediatrician had a copy in her waiting room, and for me it was instant love. I still have the copy I got back then - a full forty years ago - the cover, of course, quite tattered. I've even taken it off the shelf a couple of times recently to recite a poem to my boyfriend. While my son was growing up, I on many occasions read poems from it to him. When his second grade teacher started getting the kids interested in poems I lent it to her and she picked out a few that she felt would be perfect for kids even that age. Yes, while many books are entertainment or a peek into a new world giving new understanding, often a book can open up a new world, lead to new adventures, inspire greatness or creativity.
Just yesterday I joined Goodreads because I heard it is a great place for authors to get their work reviewed. Right away the site asks you to rate books you've already read. Based on what you say your reading interests are, lists are presented to you. I've always felt that I don't read as much as I'd like to, but book after book that I've enjoyed over the years came up and yes, with so many of them I was able to reflect instantly on how they helped inspire and grow my writing or other aspects of my life. It was a fun and unexpected trip down memory lane.
Of course as a writer, it would be the ultimate high to know that you've inspired someone.
I'd love to hear which books inspired you and in what ways.

Writers Have to Actually Write.

Writers Have to Actually Write.
If you fancy yourself a writer, remember, it's only okay to think about writing, talk about writing, and read about writing, if you are also actually writing.
Ideas not coming to you? Ideas too malformed? Just write anyway. Write anything. Describe your blank mind, describe your blank paper or screen, describe how you hate writing when you don't know what to write. Write the monologue of the laundry screaming at you to be washed, write your inner dialogue that insists/resists writing. Write the plot of your worst day, write the plot of your best day, write the plot of your ideal day. Write the words the wind is speaking, write about how stupid it is that I suggested you write about the words the wind speaks, write about how you'd like to hear the wind speak.
Writing these things is great practice; if you can find the way to describe a unfinished concrete floor you are doing much to perfect your craft, and one day, someday, this writing will lead to a story forming in your head.
How do I know these things? Been there - done that (often).