Pride in the Word Bisexual

Anything But Bi (ABB) is a phrase coined by bisexual activists to describe the tendency for people to avoid using the word bisexual to describe themselves or others. One of the main ABB manifestations is for people to say, “I don’t like labels.”

This aversion to labels is a sentiment so many of us understand and can relate to. The fantasy of just being oneself without having to use terms that are likely to be misunderstood is extremely alluring.

If many people of all orientations were to refuse to label themselves, we might have the beginnings of an important revolution. However, what’s telling and disturbing is that nearly always when someone expresses the no-label sentiment, it’s in regards to attractions and behaviors that fit the term bisexual. In other words, people who are straight or gay, when asked to express their sexual identity, don’t tend to say “I just don’t like labels;” it’s mainly only among those who are aware that they have attractions to multiple genders that we find people apt to respond with an anti-label philosophy.

Considering that the definition of bisexual is attraction to more than one gender, it’s significant that many people who have such attractions shun the word that most clearly describes their orientation.

We grow up forming an idea of who we are and what kind of person we will be when we are an adult. Naturally, we want to be things that we have learned are considered good, and want to avoid becoming things we have been told are bad. With all the negative stereotypes about bisexuality, it’s no wonder people have trouble thinking of themselves as being THAT word. Of course, people don’t want a ton of biphobic bigotry piled upon them.

So it’s no wonder that we see famous people coming out, saying “I’ve been with men and women, but I don’t like labels.”

The ironic thing is that most of the time, when someone goes for the “no-label” label, people still tend to think of them as bisexual, and thus they are still subjected to the biphobia they so carefully try to avoid. When not assumed to be bisexual, they get mislabeled as gay or straight and confused or experimenting. Thus, also ironically, not being willing to label oneself as bisexual only feeds into the stereotypes that say that people who engage in relationships with more than one gender are confused, indecisive, or just playing around.

One of the best ways to overcome the fear of negative associations when attempting to accept oneself as bisexual is to be around other people who have embraced the label, people who have brushed off the slurs so unjustly attached to the term, and focused on the positives.

My fellow bisexual activists are an amazing group of people who tirelessly throw themselves into the line of fire to make it easier for people to come out. More and more we are seeing our efforts pay off. It’s now possible to find bisexual community. Once one becomes a part of proud bisexual spaces –whether following bi-community Twitter accounts such as mine, @BisexualBatman, or groups like @BRC_Central, @Bi_Community, and dozens of others, or a real-world community group like South-West Missouri Bisexual/Pansexual Pride, or any of the many other bi groups – one gets a whole new perspective on the word bisexual.

Seeing the beauty, benefits, and freedom that come from labeling oneself authentically as a member of a group of people with a rich history, a dynamic present, and a future that holds even greater promise, makes it surprisingly easy and rewarding to proudly wear the term bisexual.  

This was originally published as my BiAngle Column in the June 2015 issue of The Gayly

Bi-Voice

This is my first piece as The BiAngle Columnist for The Gayly, which hit the stands in May. My June BiAngle column is entitled, BiPride.

Bi-Voice

A main consensus about what can be done to help bisexuals suffer less at the hands of biphobia and bi-erasure, is bi-visibility, and bi-voice, and their inevitable consequence, bi-pride. News of my new column, focusing on bisexuality, in The Gayly, was met enthusiastically by the online bisexual community, not only because The Gayly is being inclusive, but also because the column is going to be written by someone who actually knows about bisexual issues. Unfortunately, it’s rather rare that something referenced as LGBT will neither ignore, nor marginalize, but actually give clear and ongoing recognition to, the largest group within the acronym.

On Facebook bisexual community pages there are frequent links to articles where someone who is out as bisexual is unequivocally referred to as gay; reports of events labeled LGBT where bisexuals were refused representation; links to studies designed to determine if bisexuals exist, instead of exploring what can be done about the fact that bisexuals have the highest rates of suicide, depression, poverty, rape, and domestic violence. Then there are links to articles that seem to attempt to give recognition to bisexuals, but instead further perpetuate stereotypes and misinformation, often quoting “experts” who are neither bisexual nor listen to what bisexuals have to say.

It’s telling that I, myself, am more excited about The Gayly having a regular column about bisexuality that’s written by someone who is bisexual and knowledgeable than I am about the fact that I'm the one writing it.

There are worlds of bi-specific matters that go left unaddressed when bi is lumped into an “LGBT” that is really only LG, or as some bi-activists have coined, GGGG. This column will be about bi-news, bi-issues, and bi-solutions. I’ll be discussing ways bisexuals and our allies can combat biphobia, and ways to cope with bisexual-related stressors. I’ll be reviewing the multifaceted importance of bi-pride.

My own perspective is from entering my 20’s in 1980, during the height of the gay liberation movement. In the revolutionary fury of the times, many bisexuals, denying their own truths, systematically rallied for - what was seen as the larger cause - gay rights. Jump to 2014, and gay rights have made huge advances; meanwhile it appears to be open season for belittling, hating, sexually harassing, and marginalizing bisexuals. Many bisexuals still deny their own truths while continuing to fight for - what is too often referred to as gay marriage instead of the bisexual inclusive - same-sex marriage.

Gay causes will always be bisexual causes, and bisexuals will always fight for them, but the converse isn't true – bisexual-specific issues don’t directly affect non-straight monosexuals. No longer is it acceptable for bisexuals to ignore our own issues, focusing energy on gay rights, while too many gays and lesbians are on the forefront of bisexual bullying. Though, appreciatively, there are many gays and lesbians who do care about our issues, it is long past time for bisexuals to rise to the task of dealing with our specific problems.

Many bisexuals struggle with not only homophobia but also biphobia, from their families and communities. However, what is especially disturbing, is that many who have gay-friendly families and or communities, still struggle with harsh biphobia from these sources. Many are barely coping, and those of us who have escaped the brunt of biphobia, feel the call to step up to the plate. I’m fortunate in this way, and yet, doing work, such as seeking out and responding to biphobia as @BisexualBatman on Twitter, has taken its toll on me. After months of keeping up with such tasks, I now find there are days when I just can’t. When I get tweets telling me to “go kill yourself,” or calling me greedy, or with crude suggestions of what I should do with other people’s genitalia, it hurts - not personally, but because I know that other bisexuals, those who were never given the chance to develop the emotional strength I have, are being told similar things, often from their families, “friends,” and worse, people they turned to for help, expecting them to be allies.