School Board Member Comes Out as Bisexual

I've been asked to contribute to BiNet USA's blog. Here is my first piece,
about why a young school board member came out as bisexual.

Bisexual Activism and Social Media / BiCast and Harrie Farrow

Me and The BiCast crew having a fun and interesting conversation about bisexual activism and social media.

Part 2 of my discussion with the great folks at The BiCast about using social media in bisexual activism.

Bi Pride

This first appeared in my June, The BiAngle, column in The Gayly.

Bi Pride

The progress of bisexual pride has been caught up in a vicious cycle. A strong bisexual community cannot form without people who are out, but it can be extremely difficult for people to come out without a strong community behind them. Unfortunately, due to rampant biphobia within the gay community, “LGBT” groups often cannot be counted on by bisexuals seeking safe space and acceptance.  

Further contributing to the reality that there are more closeted bisexuals than gays or lesbians, is the fact that bisexuals can have an especially challenging time coming out to themselves. The difficult part of accepting that one is not straight, is having to admit that there is an aspect of who you are that is largely unacceptable to society. Some gays feel that bisexuals have it easier because they are “only half gay.” However, a survey showed that bisexuals not only ranked lower, in social acceptance, than gays and lesbians, but also lower than “all other groups assessed—including religious, racial, ethnic, and political groups—except injecting drug users.”

The combination of biphobia and the multiple-attraction nature of bisexuality further complicates the coming-out-to-one’s-self process. Young people may have only heard the word “bisexual” in connection to porn, or attached to words such as “cheaters,” “liars,” and “indiscriminate.” Bisexuals coming of age and noticing their attraction to more than one sex, may try to rationalize their same-sex desires away - a coping strategy caused by their unwillingness to consider the possibility of a label they only know to have negative connotations. For other bisexuals, the fact that they feel same-sex attractions is often interpreted as meaning that they are gay, and they then dismiss or ignore, for as long as possible, their opposite-sex attractions - again, the hope is to avoid identification with what they likely think of as, that terrible thing, “bisexual.” Furthermore, because of the stereotypes of bisexuals being “confused,” or “non-existent,” a bisexual is likely to feel the need be super certain of their identity before coming out.

Even when having no doubt in regards to their feelings and attractions, many bisexual think they need to have multiple experiences with both men and women before being allowed to declare their identity. This is constantly reinforced by the intense personal scrutiny bisexuals encounter: Have you ever actually had a romantic relationship with a man? How many women have you even slept with? Since many bisexuals are not promiscuous, this insistence that they need to prove themselves by having multiple sexual and romantic partners, creates yet another stumbling block to owning their identity.

Even once bisexuals have come out to themselves, they still face extreme challenges in coming out to others. Their friends, family members, and community, not only have to overcome homophobia, but also biphobia, and nearly always, bi-ignorance. When bisexuals come out, they face not only being called slurs such as “slut,” and “greedy,” but also disbelief that their identity is even valid, admonishments for failing to come out as gay, and accusations of being confused or seeking attention.

The evening after the first same-sex couples in Arkansas were married in my town, Eureka Springs, I went to a celebration event, where I sadly encountered a classic, every-day, bit of biphobia. The person with the mic asked: “How many straight people are here tonight? How many lesbians? How many gays? And how many of you are just effing confused?”

Many people do not understand how damaging a negative comment about bisexuals can be. The next day, I happened to see this post by a young person on social media, “So I like women, and I like my boyfriend, I am bisexual right? Wrong. Many people associate the term bisexual with confused. And I am not confused, I am happy.”

Considering all the issues bisexuals face in coming out, how can there be hope for bi-pride until we get beyond a time when even gays make insensitive jokes at the expenses of bisexuals? The situation is especially bleak when many bisexuals, with little community to support them, end up taking the stereotypes to heart, and refuse to embrace their identity. 

Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe Print Version

My bisexual themed literary coming of age novel, with a polyamory subplot, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe," is now available on Amazon in a print version, in addition to the Kindle e-book version.

BiCast Interview with Harrie Farrow Author: "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

I had a great time talking with the wonderful folks at BiCast. Our conversation covered everything from writing sex scenes, to writing from a male point of view.
BiCast Interview: Harrie Farrow on "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe." Bisexual themed novel.

Bi-Voice

This is my first piece as The BiAngle Columnist for The Gayly, which hit the stands in May. My June BiAngle column is entitled, BiPride.

Bi-Voice

A main consensus about what can be done to help bisexuals suffer less at the hands of biphobia and bi-erasure, is bi-visibility, and bi-voice, and their inevitable consequence, bi-pride. News of my new column, focusing on bisexuality, in The Gayly, was met enthusiastically by the online bisexual community, not only because The Gayly is being inclusive, but also because the column is going to be written by someone who actually knows about bisexual issues. Unfortunately, it’s rather rare that something referenced as LGBT will neither ignore, nor marginalize, but actually give clear and ongoing recognition to, the largest group within the acronym.

On Facebook bisexual community pages there are frequent links to articles where someone who is out as bisexual is unequivocally referred to as gay; reports of events labeled LGBT where bisexuals were refused representation; links to studies designed to determine if bisexuals exist, instead of exploring what can be done about the fact that bisexuals have the highest rates of suicide, depression, poverty, rape, and domestic violence. Then there are links to articles that seem to attempt to give recognition to bisexuals, but instead further perpetuate stereotypes and misinformation, often quoting “experts” who are neither bisexual nor listen to what bisexuals have to say.

It’s telling that I, myself, am more excited about The Gayly having a regular column about bisexuality that’s written by someone who is bisexual and knowledgeable than I am about the fact that I'm the one writing it.

There are worlds of bi-specific matters that go left unaddressed when bi is lumped into an “LGBT” that is really only LG, or as some bi-activists have coined, GGGG. This column will be about bi-news, bi-issues, and bi-solutions. I’ll be discussing ways bisexuals and our allies can combat biphobia, and ways to cope with bisexual-related stressors. I’ll be reviewing the multifaceted importance of bi-pride.

My own perspective is from entering my 20’s in 1980, during the height of the gay liberation movement. In the revolutionary fury of the times, many bisexuals, denying their own truths, systematically rallied for - what was seen as the larger cause - gay rights. Jump to 2014, and gay rights have made huge advances; meanwhile it appears to be open season for belittling, hating, sexually harassing, and marginalizing bisexuals. Many bisexuals still deny their own truths while continuing to fight for - what is too often referred to as gay marriage instead of the bisexual inclusive - same-sex marriage.

Gay causes will always be bisexual causes, and bisexuals will always fight for them, but the converse isn't true – bisexual-specific issues don’t directly affect non-straight monosexuals. No longer is it acceptable for bisexuals to ignore our own issues, focusing energy on gay rights, while too many gays and lesbians are on the forefront of bisexual bullying. Though, appreciatively, there are many gays and lesbians who do care about our issues, it is long past time for bisexuals to rise to the task of dealing with our specific problems.

Many bisexuals struggle with not only homophobia but also biphobia, from their families and communities. However, what is especially disturbing, is that many who have gay-friendly families and or communities, still struggle with harsh biphobia from these sources. Many are barely coping, and those of us who have escaped the brunt of biphobia, feel the call to step up to the plate. I’m fortunate in this way, and yet, doing work, such as seeking out and responding to biphobia as @BisexualBatman on Twitter, has taken its toll on me. After months of keeping up with such tasks, I now find there are days when I just can’t. When I get tweets telling me to “go kill yourself,” or calling me greedy, or with crude suggestions of what I should do with other people’s genitalia, it hurts - not personally, but because I know that other bisexuals, those who were never given the chance to develop the emotional strength I have, are being told similar things, often from their families, “friends,” and worse, people they turned to for help, expecting them to be allies.

Solutions for Bisexual Mental Health

This article originally appeared, in a slightly different version, in the 2014 Spring Issue of Bi Women Quarterly.

Solutions for Bisexual Mental Health Issues

 Educating mental health workers, groups and organizations that claim to be LGBT.

Much harm is done to bisexuals who reach out for help to LGBT groups, websites, therapists, and mental health workers who are ignorant or poorly informed about bisexuality, or not infrequently enough, outright biphobic. Often, there is a complete lack of understanding that bisexual mental health issues are in many ways different from and more complex than those of gays and lesbians, with little or no mention made of separate or distinct challenges that bisexuals face. Since many bisexuals just coming out are likely to reach out to LGBT groups unaware of the potential pitfalls, we need to make sure websites, mental health workers and other organizations that claim to have information about bisexuality are not giving out misinformation or participating in bi-erasure. Any group, organization, website that uses LGBT in its name needs to be in compliance with actually being LGBT or change their name to LG. Monitoring should take place by a bisexual group formed for this purpose.

A readily findable, strong bisexual community.

One of the main directives given to LGBT individuals who are not welcome in their family/school/church is to find a new accepting and supportive “family.” Thus bisexuals often reach out to what is ostensibly the LGBT community, and while it is not unusual for bisexuals to find new friends, allies, support in this world, it is also unfortunately common to find instead new problems in the form of lesbian and gay biphobia and bi-erasure. Bisexuals need a bisexual community to safely reach out to for support, advice and family.

Having a strong bi community will also lessen stress bisexuals have when losing straight or gay community support when they go from being in a relationship with one gender to being in a relationship with another gender.

While there are the promising beginnings of bisexual communities forming, they need to be strengthened, expanded, developed, and more tightly bound together.

More mental health professionals specifically dedicated to bisexuality.

Bisexuals with issues affecting mental health need to be able to find professionals who are more than just minimally acquainted with the specific life challenges that bisexuals face.

Educating the general public about bisexuality.

There needs to be a massive multi-front educational campaign aimed at the general public. Currently, the great bulk of information the average person is likely to happen to upon about bisexuality is filled with stereotypes, myths, misinformation, and bigotry. Perplexed teens are asking and answering each other’s questions about bisexuality. Many people likely first come across the word “bisexual” in pornography, and then connected to slurs, and thirdly in some form of misinformation often from seemingly reputable sources. It is telling that gay-friendly parents of people coming out as bisexual are reported by their children to spew things about a gay phase, bisexuals not being real, and bisexuals being sex-crazy and immoral.

More out and outspoken bisexuals.

As with any minority group seeking to rise above prejudices, we need to be visible and vocal.

Harvey Milk’s Coming Out Campaign is, I believe, hugely responsible for today’s greater acceptance of homosexuality. The only truly effective way to bust the myths is for the world to know who we are and how we live. We need to let the world see something of us besides the barrage of porn labeled “bisexual,” gays who went through a phase, and party girls who flirt with each other in front of men, but actually self-ID as straight.

We have been ripe for being bashed, as our invisibility makes us weak, easy, targets, ready victims who bashers have counted on to not lash back with any intimidating force. We need to let the bashers know they will hear from us, that we will embarrass the press and national organizations publicly for their biphobia. We need to make it clear we expect our allies to defend us too.

Individuals who come out and speak up will feel better about themselves, all bisexuals will benefit from the lessening of biphobia, and the most vulnerable among us will hear someone is speaking up for them, see there is hope and pride, know they are not alone.

We need a bigger bisexual campaign for National Coming Out Day, and a much bigger broader promotion of Bi-visibility Day.

While it’s important to acknowledge that many bisexuals cannot safely come out; those who can without serious recriminations should be encouraged and supported, those who cannot should be given info, support and resources to help them break free from their oppressive restraints.

A better resource list for bisexuals.

Though there are several good resource lists for bisexuals available, they need to be up-date and fleshed out. Grant monies could be used to fund regular searches for new resources, check out their legitimacy and update lists. Lists, including those in different countries and regions, should be cross referencing one another. 

A consensus about sexual labels, identities, and practices.

Daily fought mini wars over definitions, which divide the non-mono-sexual community, further contributes to mental health issues. A bisexual/pansexual/omnisexual/etc. alliance needs to be formed to come up with agreements on definitions, and then a campaign with all groups participating, to promote these definitions. “Bisexual,” as the most widely recognized term needs to be the umbrella term, so that the greater public will not become further mystified. The notion that “bisexual” necessarily and/or always promotes the binary needs to be eradicated.

This alliance also should tackle other issues so that people seeking help don’t find websites/groups at odds with each other with regards to philosophies about the need to come out, and mindsets about monogamy, for example. The alliance should be formed in the spirit of embracing and celebrating our diversity.

Rebuttals to religious dogma regarding homosexual acts.

One of the biggest mental health problems bisexuals face – as well as gays and lesbians - is shaming and fear due to religious teachings. Bisexual groups should engage with gay and lesbian groups in researching, validating, and collating the many useful responses/rebuttals to these teaching, which are currently available, and creating a strong cohesive resource which individuals and groups can easily find. 

Educating the public on the intolerability of male sexual objectification of women. 

We have to bring back the feminist fight against male objectification of women, especially in terms of male fantasies regarding two or more females in engaged in sexual activities. It should be emphasized that while it’s okay for consenting adults to choose to participate in gratification of f/f male fantasies, it is quite another thing for men to equate “bisexual woman” with an automatic desire to please men in these ways.

Own up to some facts about bisexuals.

In response to “bisexuals are confused” a typical retort by bisexuals is no, bisexuals are not any more confused than any other gender. While clearly not all bisexuals are confused, and bisexuals are not, by nature of their orientation, confused, the fact is that many bisexuals are confused. While it’s true that the confusions bisexuals have are due to a mono-sexual oriented, hetero-centric, monogamy-based society’s ‘norms’ and expectations, this doesn’t erase the reality. Denying this fact prevents us from helping elevate the sources of the confusion. Many bisexuals when first recognizing that they are attracted to more than one gender are yes, confused, by these attractions, and sometimes go through a lengthy process of sorting it out. Additionally, some bisexuals are confused about how to work their desires towards more than one gender into their desire for committed relationships. Bisexuals are also sometimes confused when reconciling who they thought they were – which could include anything from a gay-hating heterosexual fundamentalist Christian to an out-proud biphobic homosexual – to who they now understand they are, a bisexual. Some bisexuals experience “fluidity” in their sexual attractions, and for some this too is a source of confusion. Further, there tends to sometimes be confusion for people who perceive themselves to be romantically inclined towards one gender but only sexually interested in another. These potential sources for mental health problems need be acknowledge so they can addressed.

Funneling grant money and other funds designated “LGBT” towards bisexual issues.

Many of the suggestions above will require funding, so this is perhaps the most fundamental solution for bisexual mental health issues. Bisexual groups, organizations and individuals need to lobby federal, state, and local governments, and Funders for LGBTQ Issues, and others, to specifically designate “LGBT” monies - long channeled nearly exclusively towards lesbian and gay issues - for bisexual specific issues.

Decades of Being Out as Bisexual

I knew I was bisexual in 1974. I was 14. I heard the word, and the definition, thought, yeah, that's me, though I'd never thought about whether I was straight or not prior to that. This was how I came out to myself. It was as non-traumatic as it could possibly ever be.
I never made any attempt to be closeted, but it would be somewhat inaccurate to say I was truly "out" all these years. This is because being out as bisexual requires a continuous active process - take a break from it for five minutes, and you're no longer so out. Most people assume everyone is straight, unless you are publicly obvious about a same sex relationship, in which case you are assumed gay, and people won't know otherwise until you make it a point to be sure they know, which often requires being inappropriately "in their face" about it.

I think the first time I did anything that could be considered "coming out" was when I mentioned the fact of my bisexuality casually to my best friend when I was 15. It didn't occur to me to be ashamed or feel awkward. She was vaguely fascinated, and asked a few questions. Looking back I realize it was beautifully uneventful, and yet at the time I was surprised it struck her as anything out of the ordinary.

I lived in San Francisco in my 20s and marched in gay rights demonstrations (they were not called LGBT rights demonstrations). I went to gay pride events, hung out in gay neighborhoods, supported gay businesses, saw gay movies, read the gay free-weeklys on a regular basis.

There was a Bisexual Center that had advertised meetings. I always thought about going but never did. I think I considered it a place to go if one had problems with their bisexuality and needed help. I didn't have problems with being bisexual, but did feel a lack of community, and so looking back, I regret having not gone.

I couldn't get past the anger, animosity for men, the separatism, and negative attitudes about sex, that I often encountered in the lesbian community. Yet I, a bisexual woman, felt comfortable in gay male surroundings. I loved the rejoicing of sexuality I saw among gay men, and the celebration of life (ok yes, then there was AIDS and death, and I grieved and freaked out like everyone else.)

Every year at the gay parade I loudly cheered-on the handful of people in the bisexual contingency, while meanwhile feeling that I should maybe feel some sense of being an imposture for attending the gay parade with my opposite sex lover.

A Bisexual Symposium held while I was a student at San Francisco State was where I got my first glimpse of how ugly biphobia could be in the gay world. We were split into discussion groups. A young man in my group was very depressed. He’d always thought he was gay, but suddenly had feelings and desires for his opposite sex best friend. Voicing this to his formerly very supportive gay community, he found he was shunned, ridiculed, and threatened with excommunication.

It was at the Symposium where I first found out about The STUD - a predominantly-gay-male-bar-with-a-slight-bisexual-bent (which I model the bar HUNKS after in my bisexual themed novel, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe"). I went there frequently because it just felt good to be in a place where bisexuality was acknowledged and accepted. The bartender flirted with everyone, including me and my boyfriend.

The first woman I had serious inclinations towards was a bisexual who was both closeted and completely out. She was out as a lesbian. She admitted only to me that she was bisexual. We had heated discussions about this. I felt it was important for her to honestly label herself as bisexual; she said she IDed as lesbian for “political” reasons. It was important, she felt, for everyone to rally around gay rights, that this was what was best for bisexuals too. I felt it was important to ID as bisexual for bisexual political reasons. Saying she was bisexual, she said, would only detract from, water down, the gay rights message. 

This is what bisexuals did for decades, (and many still do) fight for gay rights while denying their own identities, suppressing their own need for recognition. Now, all these years later, I see that while indeed gay rights (often inaccurately referred to as LGBT rights) has made many gains, bisexuals are left standing in the dust. Yes, gains in gay rights have important positive implications for us bisexuals too, but bisexuals have our own, different battles, and while we, often gallantly, stood side by side with our gay and lesbian counterparts fighting homophobia and it's oppressive manifestations, many gays (not all - shout out to those who do stand by us!) have never even bothered to think bisexual specific oppression is worthy of their consideration. I guess it's not entirely their fault when for so long so many bisexuals gladly, voluntarily, subsumed a secondary status. Sadly - and in hindsight, predictably - many gays now feel that acknowledging the battles of their bisexual brothers and sisters  - who were right there with them at gay rights demonstrations - would likely distract from and water-down their new found place in society.

When I was 26, my mother – whom I didn't see very often – came to visit. A woman from my neighborhood stopped by at my garage sale, and when she left, I mentioned to my mom that I’d been attracted to her, and it was ironic that I finally got to talk to her just as I was moving. This was how I came out to my mother. In this fashion, I've always been out as a bisexual. I've never hidden it, I would mentioned it when appropriate in conversation, and I always found a way to offhandedly bring it up to love-interests before we ever had our first kiss.

However, I was in an (open) relationship with a man for, seemingly, eons and people assumed I was straight, never even questioned, suspected, that I could be anything but straight, even as I was always adamantly and openly pro LGBT rights, even when I occasionally went out on dates with "known" lesbians. 

It’s easy to be invisible as a bisexual, way too easy. It’s difficult to be out. Yes, in the usual ways that it’s difficult to be out as a homosexual, but also in so many other ways. On top of the homophobia, you get the biphobia, and the accusations that you are really gay and homophobic. But on top of all of that there is the - often overwhelming - difficulty of the shear super power of bi-invisibility, which you have even though you don’t want it, even when you try to shake it off. Bi-invisibility is like an unwelcome film on your skin that you have to constantly scrub off with abrasive words and actions which so many straights and gays tend to see as a caustic confused haze of immaturity and crazy attention seeking.

So to the request - which prompted me to start writing this blog post – for older bisexuals who were out in the 1970s, to please make their voice heard - I say this: Yes, I've been out since the 1970s, sort of; I always tried to be, and now that I’m unequivocally out, please understand why it comes in the form of figuratively standing on top of a hill and shouting nonstop. This unfortunately is the only way a bisexual can be heard at all.

Local newspaper write up about my novel, "Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe."

Helpful Tips for Biphobics

Being biphobic is currently a popular sport for many, and does appear at first glance to be a simple task. However, it's not as easy as it may seem, so I've compiled this list to help you be aware of the many pitfalls you might encounter.

First, it’s important to understand that as much as the intent of your biphobia may be to hurt bisexuals, you may be inadvertently helping them.

If you are still determined to proceed with your biphobia, it'll be useful to consider the following before opening your mouth:

  

If you say that bisexuality is a choice that immoral people make, then you are saying that people can choose to be gay, straight or bisexual. If you think that, then you must think that you are capable of making these choices. And if you think you are capable of making the choice to be bisexual, then you must be aware of both same sex and opposite sex desires within you, one of which you push down because you have “chosen” to be straight (or gay). Therefore, you are likely a repressed, closeted bisexual.

If you are going to try to delegitimize someone who says they are bisexual by saying bisexuality doesn't exist, you probably should consider first that it just might be possible that you don’t know more about another person’s sexuality then they do. It might be useful to question for a moment whether you are in-fact the All-knowing King of the Universe.

If you still intend to say that there is no such thing as a bisexual, it would be a good idea to first read this, and this, and watch this.

If you are planning to state that it is your opinion that all bisexuals cannot be trusted or are greedy, be aware that these kind of statements – which prejudge people who you have never met – are bigotry and prejudice not “opinion.”

If you still insist that you have a right to your “opinion” of bisexuals, keep in mind that a person can have “opinions” that the sky is red and that cats are birds and cars can talk, but that you sound like a crazy person when you have “opinions” that deny funny little things called, “facts.”

If you are going to say anyway that you have every right to have an “opinion” that bisexuals will always cheat or are all confused, then don’t forget that the idea that “This is a free country and I have a right to free speech,” also means that bisexuals and their allies have every right to respond to your “opinion” with their own rights to free speech, and you shouldn't be surprised when they get all-in-you-face with their opinions about ignorant bigots.

If your biphobic assumptions about all bisexuals are based on the bisexuals you personally have heard of, keep in mind that the bisexuals you don’t know about are the ones behaving in ways that don’t bring attention to themselves - the ones who are in monogamous relationships, for example, and whom you are probably presuming are nice straight or gay people.

Keep in mind that with-in every group of people there are those who behave badly, and those who behave admirably. 

Keep in mind that you have known plenty of mono-sexual people who you do not have a high opinion of, and yet you somehow managed to not blame their behavior on the fact that they are not bisexual.

Keep in mind that everyone is an individual and deserves to be judged on their own merit.

Keep in mind that when a group of people with a certain orientation are told repeatedly that they don’t exist, are mixed up, are sinners, are greedy, are incapable of commitment, etc. that they are perhaps more likely to struggle with coming to terms with their sexuality, and are therefore perhaps more likely to, at times, “act-out” in some way or another.

Keep in mind that when a young person sees within themselves - as they reach puberty, or early adulthood and first sexual experiences - attractions that they have always been told are not good or healthy, that they may – in an effort to prove they cannot really be someone with this “non-existent” sexual identity - attempt to be straight or gay, and thus show some signs of confusion.

Keep in mind that if you don’t like people behaving confused or acting-out that perhaps you should stop being part of the problem with your biphobic comments, and start being part of the solution by treating bisexuals in a dignified manner.

If you tell a person that they cannot know they are bisexual until they have had sex with both males and females, keep in mind that this is like saying all virgins are asexual, or that gay and straight people cannot know they are not bisexual if they have not had sex with both genders. 

Also keep in mind that with this kind of comment you are encouraging promiscuity in bisexuals, which is also likely something you accuse bisexuals of.

Before you say bisexuals are really just gay and are just trying to “make it easier” on themselves by saying they’re bisexual, consider the fact that if they were “just gay” they would not have to be listening to your biphobic rant, so how’s that “easier.” 

How is it easier to be rejected and dismissed by both the straight and gay communities?

If you think that the fact that you are gay or “Don’t have anything against homosexuals” means your ignorant comments cannot possibly be biphobic; guess again.

Before you say that being bisexual is just a phase in the process of coming out as gay, keep in mind that just because some gay people, when coming out to themselves, have held on to the hope that they might be bisexual - with the misguided notion that this would make them half “normal,” – this doesn't mean that there aren't people who really are bisexual. 

Keep in mind that having a negative attitude about bisexuals because you once identified as bisexual, when really you were gay, is punishing others - who in fact are only being who they are - for your own inability once to accept who you are.

Also, before saying that bisexuality is just a phase, keep in mind that many older bisexuals have identified as bi for their entire adulthood - amounting to several decades.

Before you say that bisexuals are greedy, or will always cheat, because they always want both a male and female lover, consider that many bisexuals want and/or have committed monogamous relationships, and may hetero and homosexuals cheat or "play the field."

If you say that bisexuals are trans/queergender/intersexed-phobic because they are caught up in the binary of “men” and “women” because “bi” means two, be aware that you are being biphobic by presuming to define other's sexuality. The fact is many bisexuals do not consider their attraction to be only binary-oriented.

Ask yourself if all people who identify as “gay” are necessarily happy (because isn't that what gay means?); and ask yourself if every Lesbian is a native of the isle of Lesbos (because this is what the word "Lesbian" literally means). 

Also, be aware that you are being trans-phobic by implying that trans people do not fit into the binary of men and women. 

Keep in mind that you are also implying that hetero and homo-sexuals are also trans/queer-gender/intersexed-phobic because their identity too implies that they are not attracted to every possible type of gender orientation that exists.

Before you say that bisexuals are essentially homosexuals since bisexuals and homosexuals are both attracted to people of their own gender, then be aware that you are saying that someone who likes two different things is the same as someone who likes only one thing. This is like saying someone who enjoys both steak and vegetables is the same as a vegetarian.

And if you are saying that bisexuality is equivalent to homosexuality, be aware that you are, in the course of your faulty logic, also implying that homosexuality is equivalent to bisexuality, which amounts to saying that homosexuals can also be attracted to the opposite sex.

Further, if you’re going to say that the fact that bisexuality involves liking the same sex means that bisexuality is equivalent to homosexuality, then realize with this logic it would also follow that bisexuality is equivalent to heterosexuality, because heterosexuality means being attracted to the opposite sex, and bisexuality also involves being attracted to the opposite sex.

And if bisexuality is the same has heterosexuality, then it can only follow that heterosexuality is the same as bisexuality, which means that you are in effect saying that heterosexuals are capable of being attracted to the same sex.

And if you think my reasoning is getting ridiculous, remind yourself that I’m just diagramming the logical conclusions of YOUR argument, and yes it certainly does sound ridiculous.

If you say that bisexuals will go to hell because the bible says homosexual acts are wrong, then you also have to say that people who eat shrimp or wear cloth of mixed fabrics will go to hell because the bible also strictly forbids - to the same degree - these (and other silly) things.

If you say that bisexuals are sinners because this is what the bible, which "teaches morality" says, then you need to say that it was good and moral for Lott (God’s chosen one) to offer his daughters to the mobs who wanted to rape the angels, and that it was good and moral for Lott to later have sex with his daughters.

If you say that the New Testament says that those who engage in homosexual acts will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, keep in mind that the bible has been interpreted from another language from another, long ago, culture, and interpreting it in modern times to a language very foreign from the original is very possibly far from accurate.

If you still insist on using the excuse that you are following the teachings of the bible by preaching that bisexuality is a sin, remind yourself also of these biblical teachings: Do not judge. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your brother. And don’t forget what the bible says about the proud, the arrogant, and the ruthless.

Remember, Romans 13:8-10 “for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law… Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

If you threaten to kick your child out of your home because you think his or her bisexuality goes against the bible, remember Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  

If you think making biphobic comments will somehow “save” or “change for the better” someone you love, think again.

If you’re going to give bisexuals a bad time based on any “reason," keep in mind that your words call kill.

Before you open your mouth with hateful, hurtful, biphobic comments keep in mind that among the bisexuals who may be hearing your cruel words may be, your sister, cousin, neighbor, friend, nephew, co-worker or child. Keep in mind the damaging ways your biphobic comments and attitudes may be effecting them, and their relationship with you.

New Year’s Resolutions for Bisexuals

The following are suggested possible New Year’s Resolutions for bisexuals in various circumstances, and various life stages.

I will come to terms with my sexuality this year.

I will not sit silently when someone makes a biphobic remark.

Despite the fact that I’m sick and tired of it already, I will force myself to continue to repeat endlessly - to those that try to erase me - that no, I’m not straight just because I “look straight,” and/or have an opposite sex significant other.

I will tell at least one person I’m bisexual.

I will no longer not expect my gay friends to support bi-visibility while I valiantly fight for gay rights.

I will stop identifying myself as gay.

If there is a bisexual group in my community I will join.

I will come out to at least one member of my family.

I will join a bisexual group on Facebook for example: BiNet, Global Bisexual Network.

If it’s impossible for me to come out at this time I will make a fictional account on social media and join and participate in a bisexual group that way.

I will come out to my spouse.

I will come out to my children.

I will participate in a Bi-pride/visibility event.

I will become a bi activist.

I will wear a “Bi the way I’m not gay” button/shirt to the next LGBT pride event I go to.

I will educate myself more on the topic of bisexuality.

I will reach out for professional help from someone who is bi-friendly if I’m unable to cope with my bisexual related problems.

I will rejoice in my bisexuality.

I will read bisexual books such as (shameless plug alert) this one.

I will make efforts to educate the biphobes in my life.

I will be proud of my bisexuality.

I will reach out to other bisexuals who may need my support.

If my life circumstances makes it impossible to come out, I will make steps to change my life circumstances – whether this means becoming financially independent of my parents, joining another church, finding non-biphobic friends, transferring to a college with a strong LGBT community, moving to a less homophobic town, changing jobs, training to go into a different career, considering leaving a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to.

I will remember to enjoy my bisexuality. 

I will try to keep in mind that the people in my life who do not understand my bisexuality are coming from their own limited knowledge and the social prejudices they grew up with; I will try to be patient and understanding as I explain that I expect them to do the same for me. 

I will tame my bisexual rants into more coherence to make my message more accessible to others.

I will make my bisexual rants louder and more forceful so that others can no longer ignore them.

Waving my bi flag high, I will ride my unicorn over to the house of that pretty girl/guy/genderqueer and sweep him/her/them off his/her/their cute little feet, and ride off into a pink, purple and blue sunset.

A Holiday Hug

For anyone who may be needing this right now, here's a big supportive Holiday Hug.
If you find yourself this Holiday Season with family who do not accept you as you are, or who you don't even feel you can be honest with about who you are, or find yourself without family this Season for these reasons, this is just a reminder that you are not alone. There are others who do understand you, do accept you. I hope there comes a day when your family can be included too. Until then, seek joy with those who know how to love without prejudice.

What's so Great About Biphobia

I know, I know, biphobia is supposed to be this big, bad, ugly thing. But actually, biphobia is really great. Biphobia is a beautiful automatic filtering device that lets you know who you should not include in your life and why.

What's a great sign that someone has no imagination?
If they can't believe that other people can be something they are not.

What's a great sign that someone is ignorant?
If they say stupid things thinking they are being clever.

What's a great sign that someone is brainwashed?
If they dogmatically repeat what their religious group has told them without giving it further thought.

What's a great sign that someone is brain dead?
If they can't change their thinking no matter what anyone says.

What's a great sign that someone is bigoted?
If they think it's okay to judge others based on an inherent trait.

What's a great sign that someone is cruel?
If they get pleasure in putting down others.

What's a great sign that someone is arrogant?
If they think they know more about a person's sexuality than the person them-self.

What's a great sign that a someone has self-esteem problems?
If they think it's funny to hurt others with unkind words.

What's a great sign that someone doesn't really care about you?
If they want you to be who they want you to be instead of who you really are.

What's a great sign of pigheadedness?
If someone insists that they know how everything is, even things they have no experience with.

Another thing that makes biphobia really awesome is that the lack of it can tell you who to keep in your life and why.

What's a great sign that someone really loves you?
If they still love you even when they know you are something they don't understand.

What's a great sign that someone is open-minded?
If they are willing to listen to ideas that differ from what they've heard growing up.

What's a great sign that someone is intelligent?
If they let reason change preconceived ideas.

What's a great sign of an independent thinker?
If they don't automatically adopt the ideas of any group they belong to, without questioning.

What's a great sign of a kind person?
If they are there to comfort you when others are cruel.

What's a great sign of a selfless person?
If they don't put their needs above yours.

What's a great sign of an understanding person?
If they listen and hear you out.

What's a great sign of an educated person?
If they have learned things beyond that which their personal experience has shown them.

What's a great sign that someone is humble?
If they're willing to admit there are things they don't know.

What's a great sign of a thoughtful person?
If they think before they repeat potentially harmful things they may have heard.

Yeah, so okay, yes, the world would be a better place if there were no biphobic creepy crawlies; but since life gave us these damned lemons let's have another frosty cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and bask in some citrusey cool sweetness. In the end, at least it's good to know who our true friends and allies are, and who to write off as bitter seeds needing to be picked out of what would otherwise be a satisfyingly delicious orientation. Raise your glass, and Cheers! Here's to being thankful that at least we get fast-tacked in finding out who to keep and who to cut from the summer picnic that should be our lives.

Why Bother Coming Out as Bisexual?

A commenter responding to my blog post Quietly Coming Out as Bisexual said, “I can't imagine why sexuality would have anything to do with anyone other than the person involved. I have no desire to wear a sign saying I'm a non-practicing heterosexual.” I've frequently heard not only straight people, but also bisexuals, wonder why a bisexual should feel any need to make it a point to come out. A bisexual man on twitter so eloquently put it to me (as @BisexualBatman) this way, "Nobody cares who we fuck." While, gays and lesbians usually have a good grasp on the reasons why they should not live a closeted life - for example this would mean never publicly acknowledging the person they love - the issue gets more complex for bisexuals.

No one thinks twice when a man and a woman walk down the street holding hands, or go to an event presenting themselves as partners. When a gay couple does these things, they are automatically announcing their sexual orientation. But someone doing these things, as part of either a same sex-relationship or an opposite-sex relationship, may actually be bisexual, and thus still closeted about their orientation, despite being open about their relationship.

A bisexual woman (let’s call her Margret) may say something like, "I'm thirty-six and I've been in a committed monogamous relationship with my girlfriend, Joan, for eight years. I've self-identified as bisexual since I was sixteen, but aside from a few make-out sessions in college, Joan was the first woman I was with. Joan knows I’m bisexual and she’s totally accepting, but everyone else thinks I’m a lesbian who took a long time to come out. Since I intend to stay monogamous with my girlfriend, I don’t see why I should come out as bisexual. My mother had such a difficult time accepting my relationship with Joan that I didn't want to complicate things at the time by insisting I was bisexual. Now that she’s okay about me and Joan, I don’t want to cause her any more grief, or disrupt our new found harmony. Also, some of our lesbian friends sometimes speak negatively about bisexuals and I don’t want to alienate them. Yet being closeted keeps nagging at me.”

Like Margret, many bisexuals - contrary to stereotypes - are monogamous. For them, once in a committed relationship, it’s easy to pass as gay or straight. Ironically, bisexuals are criticized for both having this “privilege” (as if bisexuals are responsible for creating the social dynamic that makes this possible), and for insisting on “making a big issue” of coming out as bisexual anyway. As far as having the perceived “privilege” of passing as gay or straight, the truth is this is often experienced as a curse by bisexuals. Gays and straights alike are more than happy to tell a bisexual, “You are with Joe/Jane now so you’re gay/straight now.” This, and the tendency by the press to also automatically put bisexuals in a gay or straight box, is what is known as bi-erasure. We bisexuals are repeatedly shoved into these boxes against our will and then criticized for taking advantage of this “privilege,” and then further criticized - as overreacting - when many of us still insist on being defined as bisexual.

So what are some of the reasons why many bisexuals insist on being out as bisexual instead of obediently stewing in our "privileged" closets?  (I did a quick review of some reasons on Bi-Visibility Day, but I will elaborate here.) One reason is that when bisexuals remain closeted, there is no opportunity to counteract stereotypes.  Ideas that bisexuals always cheat, are always sexually promiscuous, always must have a partner of each sex, are really gay/lesbian and will not admit it, or are just trying to get attention, run rampant and unchecked.

In the case of my hypothetical bisexual above, Margret is in the position to show her lesbian friends that despite living in a proud and open same-sex relationship she still identifies as bisexual. It would be difficult for her friends to continue to believe that all bisexuals are really closeted self-hating-homosexuals. She would also show her friends that the stereotypes that bisexuals can’t or won’t stay monogamous, or will always leave a women to be with a man to have hetero-privileges, is also not true.

As Harvey Milk said during his coming out campaign, “Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets... We are coming out! We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions! We are coming out to tell the truth about gays!” This massive push for gays to be out and proud and visible is hugely responsible for the incredible progress in gay rights since Milk’s assassination in 1978. Once the greater population saw what gay people are really like, how they really live, it was easy for the straight world to see there was nothing wrong with being gay. The fact that many bisexuals are closeted and living openly as gay (or straight) is, I believe, largely why bisexuals are still so heavily shunned or berated while gays and lesbians are becoming more and more accepted.

Like with everyone contemplating coming out, Margret has to assess the full impact of what that would mean for her and her loved-ones. Margret must consider her mother. She may choose to hide in a same-sex relationship, and appear gay, to protect her family. However, the price she may personally have to pay may not be worth it.

What is the price? For one, feeling guilty - guilty for taking advantage of the less complicated and less controversial label of lesbian, feeling guilty about not being a role model for the larger bisexual community, for participating in bi-erasure, bi-invisibility, for not personally being an example that would help fight bi-stereotyping.
However, the major impact to an individual remaining closeted is in the form of self-denial. Keeping a part of one’s identity hidden from the world can be agonizing. Imagine if redheads had to keep their hair dyed black least anyone find out, imagine if sailing enthusiasts had to pretend that their love for skiing is the only activity they've ever had a hankering for, imagine if art-lovers had to read books about famous artists in dark corners of basements. Imagine the hurt, the loss of intimacy, when one keeps a fundamental part of themselves hidden from their loved-ones. Imagine the anxiety over being accidentally “found out.” Imagine the constant battle of reminding oneself over and over again that even though many people are not okay with who they are, they really are not a bad person, not sick, not perverse. As with the main character in my novel, “Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe,”one ends up asking themselves repeatedly, if there is nothing wrong with who I am, why do I hide? The guilt of further perpetuating the idea that bisexuality is so shameful or embarrassing that one shouldn't openly admit to this part of their personality, can be a heavy burden.

My hypothetical Margret may ask herself, what if my little brother is bi, or my niece, or my girlfriend’s cousin? Wouldn't me coming out make it easier for them? If she and Joan adopt a baby, Margret may wonder: will I be a better mother if I protect my child by hiding this part of myself that is unaccepted and misunderstood by much of society? Or will I be a better mother by being proud and happy and an example of standing up and trying to make a difference?

Sadly, there are often much worse things bisexuals have to consider before coming out – potentially losing a job or a spouse, being a target for a violent hate crime, etc. Certainly these factors may weigh quite heavily.

One of the self-perpetuating problems for bisexuals is that as long as so many of us remain closeted, so many of us will feel isolated, lost, lonely and afraid to come out. Only by being out can we find each other, encourage each other, and support each other. Every person has to decide what’s best for themselves, but one thing is for sure: the more bisexuals are visible and refuse to be re-categorized, marginalized, or mistreated, the sooner society will stop thinking it’s okay to erase us, box us, hate us, and bully us, and a lot happier a lot of individuals will be. 

"Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe" Now Available.

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